Beautiful Bible Stories Rewritten For These Days & Times: King Solomon Cuts The Baby In Half

“Are you sick and tired of those dry, old, Bible stories that don’t seem to relate to life in today’s America? Well, RWN is coming to your rescue by rewriting the Bible to reflect modern mores. Enjoy!”

Two women came before wise king Solomon with a baby, each claiming the child as their own. Solomon faced a dilemma: how could he know which woman was the true mother of the infant? Solomon quickly came up with a clever idea that would settle the question once and for all. Solomon spoke to the two women:

Since we don’t know which of you is the mother, we’re going to take the baby and leave him in his crib without food and water until he dies. What do you think about that?”

The first woman was shocked and horrified at Solomon’s suggestion. She begged for the baby’s life:

“Please, please, King Solomon, do not do that to my child. Anything but that! I renounce all claim to the baby. Please just let her live!”

Solomon then turned to the second woman and asked what she thought of his proposal. She replied:

“Sounds good to me! She’s my baby and I think that’s what she’d want. Can we start right now? Oh and could you station some guards around her to make sure that no one brings her water?”

After hearing from both women, wise king Solomon immediately knew what to do:

“Well, since one of you renounced your claim on the baby, then it follows that I must appoint the other of you as the baby’s guardian. Furthermore, since the guardian thinks we should let the baby starve, that’s what we’ll do!”

The first woman, anguished at the turn of events pleaded for the wise men who counseled the king to try to change his mind or step in and try to save her baby. But they explained why that wasn’t possible:

“You certainly care more for the baby and we believe you have the best interests of the child at heart, but the king traditionally chooses the guardian of the child and we’d have to break precedent to try to change his mind. It’s tragic that a child has to die, but you know, it’s better to watch a baby starve to death rather than take a step down the slippery slope by taking more time to find out the truth of the situation.”

Soon thereafter, the baby was left in a crib and denied food and water until she perished and they all lived happily ever after — well, except the real mother and the baby who was of course, dead.

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