Campus Columnist for the ESU Daily State Appropriation by Keanu Burge

It’s time for us in the campus reality-based community to sit down, look in the mirror, and soberly face the cold, hard facts: if we don’t start getting serious and come up with some more effective protest strategies, it literally may be months before we end the nightmare of the ChimpHitler’s Reign of Error.

Case in point: while several thousand campus sheeple herded to the weekly ESU Nuremburg Pep Rally/basketball game last week, only 40 of us had the courage to join the ESU Caravan For Global Sanity — our student grassroots roadtrip to D.C. to protest *’s i llegal corporate coronation.

Frankly, I can’t remember when I have been more embarrassed by this university. Despite pledges of participation points from over 20 sections of Critical Lit and free vegan box lunch from the ESU chapter International ANSWER, our faculty advisor Dr. Harmon was forced to cancel nine buses we had reserved for the trip. This country is on the cusp of building concentration camps, and apparently all ESU can say is “sorry dude, I’m too busy to protest the AWOL Fascist-in-Thief, we’re in a three-way tie for second in conference.” Man, you people make me sick.

Well, let me tell you a little story, folks. Although we lacked numbers, we made a difference in DC. Through our voices and chanting and snowballs, we put Smirky and his wingnut regime on notice that we will not sit back and let them silence our voices, nor our snowballs. We have started a people’s revolt, and our revolt will continue until Craptain aW*ol and his Halliburton gangsters are driven from power. And you know what else? Dr. Harmon says we are all getting A’s in Critical Lit.

So let’s get something straight, Mister Black and Gold Fascist Face Paint So You Can Get In An ESPN2 Camera Shot Waving At Your Brownshirt Frat Bros Who Are Slamming Pitchers At O.J. McChuggers SportsBar With Their Hot Stupid Sorority Girlfriends: no matter how many dollar Bud Lites you guzzle, you will never stop the people’s revolt. Because we are still revolting.

We are still revolting because we will not allow another election to be stolen. Don’t think Karl Rove and Team Repiglican scripted the outcome? Then you tell me: how exactly did Shrubby “win” Oklahoma, despite scientific exit polls there that showed him trailing both Kerry and Nader? Wake up man, our “democracy” was co-opted. Nowhere was this more evident than in Ohio, where widely-reported GOP firehoses and attack dogs kept Cleveland voter turnout to 91%, 15 points below normal and more than 40 points lower than in similar-sized Milwaukee. Ask your stats T.A. to explain that one.

We are still revolting because we are standing up to Chimpy’s faux “mandate.” Even with voter intimidation and millions of his manufactured Jesusland votes, * could barely manage a 51% “majority.” In basketball, I believe that’s called a “squeekie,” and Kerry could have almost sent it to overtime with a late three pointer. Starting today, we are going to stand up to Chimpy the Cheerleader and his Phi Gamma Exxon pals, and let them know that their stolen “victory” is not a free pass to storm the Supreme basketball Court and cut down our Constitutional nets.

We are still revolting because we are not going to be drafted into the pResidunce’s imperi-oil war machine. I hate to say I told you so, but I warned you people last semester: Rumsfeld and his Penta-cons have a secret plan to reinstate the draft. Let’s face it, with all those gullible volunteer rednecks dying daily over in “Mission Accomplished,” they’d like nothing better than to round up draft objectors and unwilling campus intellectuals and send us kicking and screaming over to fight their imperial Enron adventure. Nice try, Wolfowitz. Too bad for you, because we have already begun installing anti-CIA spyware in the Comp Center PC lab, and Professor Harmon is setting up an Underground Railroad with the University of Toronto.

We are still revolting because our rights are eroding. Think you have Free Speech in this country? Well, think again. When the ESU Caravan for Global Sanity arrived in Washington, the DC pigs confiscated our Cheney effigy head, calling it “a security problem,” and then told Professor Harmon we couldn’t wear ski masks and march next to the Marine band. Then, on the bus ride back to campus, Busdriver McHitler made Jared turn down Radiohead on his boombox. Finally, when we got back to ESU, we found out the deposit on the cancelled buses was non-refundable, so we had to dip into $900 of our mandatory student fee budget. What next, man? Gas showers?

We are still revolting because we support the troops. Oh, sure, yeah, the chickenhawks say they really “support the troops.” Exactly like the armchair athletes at the Alpha Sig house “support” the ESU basketball team — just win dude, nobody cares if you drive a free Hummer and torture prisoners over at the basketball dorm. But as we in the peace community say, “support the troops – bring them home.” Only then can we begin supporting the troops through the hard process of healing, and war crime trials. Afterwards, we must stand behind the troops with intense psychological counseling as they pick up the pieces of their tragically shattered lives.

We are still revolting because someone needs to be the voice of sanity in AmeriKKKa. It’s time someone else on this campus besides the faculty learns the ugly truth: with every passing day under BushCo, this country creeps farther and farther beyond the ragged edge of mass political madness, into a sickening extremist mobius strip Texas twilight zone of fat, hydra-headed oilmen electrocuting the innocent while money-green puke gushes from their eye sockets across a basketball court covered in Eggo toaster waffles. Until the rest of you awake from your sheeple dream to the reality of this nightmare, we in the campus reality-based resistance will be like the courageous European boy Hans Brinker — putting our finger in the eroding dyke of Human Rights and shouting out to the world that the Chimperor has no clothes.

Remember, the truth is out there if you want it. And please remember to circle “Global Sanity” on your Spring Semester mandatory student fee cards.

Satire used with permission of the fine folks at Iowahawk. Read more of their work by clicking here.

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