Cat Stevens Detained, 70s Stars Vie to Get on Watch List By Scott Ott

After the singer formerly known as Cat Stevens (TSFKACS) was detained by federal agents in Bangor, Maine, as he attempted to enter the United States, other 1970s pop stars lobbied to get their names included on the Department of Homeland Security’s terrorist watch list.

“Cat Stevens shouldn’t be grabbing all the glory and the royalties,” said Terry Jacks, whose hit “Seasons in the Sun” captivated the nation in 1974. “There are others out there you know — T. Rex, Helen Reddy, Rick Derringer — many of them are still alive. Each of us deserves a place on the terrorist watch list, and the publicity that comes with it.”

Homeland Security czar Tom Ridge said his department is currently considering requests for inclusion on the watch list from the following: Carl Douglas (‘Kung Fu Fighting’), Stealers Wheel (‘Stuck in the Middle with You’), Van McCoys (‘The Hustle’), Gary Wright (‘Dream Weaver’), John Sebastian (‘Welcome Back’) and Nick Gilder (‘Hot Child in the City’).

“Now that we have the Cat formerly known as Stevens in custody,” said Mr. Ridge, “Other former pop stars will be reluctant to try to penetrate our borders. We’ve sent a clear signal to potential singer/terrorists: If you try to export your brand of music/terror here, you’ll end up cooling your heels in Bangor, Maine.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.

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