Christians With Big Families? Disgusting!

Lefty Mark Morford, whose columns always seem to read like he took one acid trip too many in high school, is more horrified, shocked, and outraged than a PETA member in a butcher shop.

You’re probably thinking:

“Nothing unusual about that, Hawkins. You know how these liberals are. They’re always shocked and outraged about something or another. What is it this time? Did they forget to feed some terrorist at Gitmo his Fruit Loops this morning? Did the government stick the “Caterwauling Dung Beetle” on the endangered species list? What is it?”

Morford is upset because — drumroll, please — Are ready for this? — Are you sure you’re ready? — Hey, so who do you think is going to the Super Bowl this year? — Ok, Ok, he’s upset because a Christian family is having a lot of children.

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Granted, when I say, “a lot of children,” I really mean, “a lot of children.” They’ve had 16 so far. Of course, as long as they can take care of all the kids without having to ask the government to pitch in, who cares? In any case, as you read Morford’s column, which is about the family, you’ll find that he seems disturbed primarily because it’s a Christian family that’s having all those kids. Here’s Morford:

“…But that would be, you know, mean. Mean and callous to suggest that this might be the most disquieting photo you see all year, this bizarre Duggar family of 18 spotless white hyperreligious interchangeable people with alarmingly bad hair, the kids ranging in ages from 1 to 17, worse than those nuked Smurfs in that UNICEF commercial and worse than all the horrific rubble in Pakistan and worse than the cluster-bomb nightmare that is Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise having a child as they suck the skin from each other’s Scientological faces and even worse than that huge 13-foot python which ate that six-foot alligator and then exploded.

It’s wrong to be this judgmental. Wrong to suggest that it is exactly this kind of weird pathological protofamily breeding-happy gluttony that’s making the world groan and cry and recoil, contributing to vicious overpopulation rates and unrepentant economic strain and a bitter moral warpage resulting from a massive viral outbreak of homophobic neo-Christians across our troubled and Bush-ravaged land. Or is it?

Is it wrong to notice how all the Duggar kids’ names start with the letter J (Jeremiah and Josiah and Jedediah and Jesus, someone please stop them), and that if you study the above photo (or the even more disturbing family Web site) too closely you will become rashy and depressed and you will crave large quantities of alcohol and loud aggressive music to deflect the creeping feeling that this planet is devolving faster than you can suck the contents from a large bong? But I’m not judging.

…Perhaps the point is this: Why does this sort of bizarre hyperbreeding only seem to afflict antiseptic megareligious families from the Midwest? In other words — assuming Michelle and Jim Bob and their massive brood of cookie-cutter Christian kidbots will all be, as the charming photo suggests, never allowed near a decent pair of designer jeans or a tolerable haircut from a recent decade, and assuming that they will all be tragically encoded with the values of the homophobic asexual Christian right — where are the forces that shall help neutralize their effect on the culture? Where is the counterbalance, to offset the damage?

Where is, in other words, the funky tattooed intellectual poetess who, along with her genius anarchist husband, is popping out 16 funky progressive intellectually curious fashion-forward pagan offspring to answer the Duggar’s squad of über-white future Wal-Mart shoppers? Where is the liberal, spiritualized, pro-sex flip side? Verily I say unto thee, it ain’t lookin’ good.

Perhaps this the scariest aspect of our squishy birthin’ tale: Maybe the scales are tipping to the neoconservative, homogenous right in our culture simply because they tend not to give much of a damn for the ramifications of wanton breeding and environmental destruction and pious sanctimony, whereas those on the left actually seem to give a whit for the health of the planet and the dire effects of overpopulation. Is that an oversimplification?”

I’m not sure if this is Morford’s way of saying that he resents the fact that people he disagrees with are allowed to breed or if it’s actually a wistful way of subscribing to the theory that pro-choice Democrats are, over time, aborting themselves out of power. Either way, Morford’s all-too-typical — for liberals anyway — contempt for Christians comes shining through like a beacon. All I can say is, keeping writing, Morford. Every column like this one that comes out convinces just that many more Christians that the Democratic Party isn’t for them…

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