CNN Produces Positive Reports on Iraq By Scott Ott

The Cable News Network (CNN) today announced a new series of special reports on the positive news from Iraq. CNN producers acknowledge the series comes in response to critics who say the news media report little but shootings and turmoil.

The new series, “Iraq’s Silver Lining,” will focus on “the few good things which have resulted from the overthrow of Saddam Hussein.”

Here are brief summaries of this week’s “Silver Lining” reports…

Monday: U.S. troops teach Iraqi orphans how to play American football. These children were not orphaned during the American invasion which brought devastation upon so many Iraqi families due to errant bombs and trigger-happy soldiers. These are just orphans whose parents died of natural causes, or abandoned them, like the U.S. abandoned the world community and acted unilaterally to attack Iraq even though it has not been proven to have weapons of mass destruction.

Tuesday: U.S. soldiers rebuild and repaint a Baghdad elementary school, where little children used to hear of the greatness of Saddam Hussein, who apparently didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction. In the new curriculum, children will learn about George Bush’s oppression of the Iraqi people, and his miserable failure as a world leader.

Wednesday: Sewer line repairs can be dirty work, but an Army Corps of Engineers unit has jumped in with both feet to help the local people restore sanitary conditions in Mosul. The work serves as a daily reminder of the stench of the U.S. occupation of Iraq where frustrated, peace-loving men reluctantly carry out sniper attacks on Americans just to free their women and children from the heavy hand of oppression. More than 80 Americans have been killed in such attacks since George Bush landed in a tax-funded military jet on the deck of an aircraft carrier and claimed that the war was over.

Thursday: On the streets of Baghdad customers jam markets which overflow with everything from food to consumer electronics. It’s another sign of American cultural hegemony leaving its stain on this ancient tribal civilization. Soon this great people will be reduced to a bunch of slack-jawed video gamers and “Iraqi Idol” worshipers.

Friday: U.S. Marines restore power to a small community which hasn’t had reliable electric service for years. This allows local Muslims to attend peaceful night-time religious services where the Imam demands the immediate retreat of the satanic infidel who overthrew the democratically-elected government to impose his brand of Christian immorality upon the followers of Mohammed.

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of work at Scrappleface.

Share this!

Enjoy reading? Share it with your friends!