FDA Denies Politics in Total Ban on Heinz Products By William Grim

Washington, DC — Food and Drug Administration Chairman Dr. Farnsley H. Higginbottom today strongly denied accusations that politics played a role in the recent total ban on all food products made by the Heinz Corporation.

“The FDA is concerned only with objective scientific data,” said Dr. Higginbottom at a hastily called press conference. “The fact that the Heinz Corporation is owned by the wife of the socialist tax-and-spend-liberal traitor Democrat candidate for the presidency who is opposing the God-fearing righteous heroic family-values-oriented George W. Bush played absolutely no role in our conclusion that one Heinz dill pickle contains more fecal matter than a good-sized cow chip. Or that the underage migrant workers held in virtual slavery by the Heinz Corporation regularly urinate on the tomatoes that are used in Heinz ketchup, which incidentally is chock full of the highly carcinogenic red dye No. 2.”

In related news, Democrat presidential candidate John F. Kerry announced today that he and his wife, Patricia Heinz Kerry, have filed for divorce due to irreconcilable financial differences. Campaign spokesmen say that this will in no way endanger Senator Kerry’s “family values” platform because he intends to remarry a much wealthier woman as soon as FBI background checks have been concluded.

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