Fisking A Ph.D’s Plan To Put John Kerry In The White House

As I was perusing the Democratic Underground today, I ran across an “intriguing” column that actually made the mainpage of DU. It’s by Bernard Weiner — Ph.D don’t ya know — and it’s called Shallow Throat to Dems: “Time to Go for the Jugular” . The piece is basically an advice column — a really bad one as a matter of fact — for John Kerry.

Unsurprisingly, it starts out by advising Kerry to “go for that jugular” which I find amusing, because it’s the standard boilerplate suggestion that everybody in both parties always makes. However in reality, everybody in Washington is going “for that jugular” all the time. For people like Karl Rove, Tom Delay, Ted Kennedy, & Bob Shrum, going “for that jugular” is about as natural as going to the bathroom and it occurs just about as frequently. But, you can only get so nasty without turning people off, which is why you don’t hear Republicans in DC claiming Democrats are rooting for terrorists and Dems claiming Bush is a drunken, cocaine snorting crook who let 9/11 happen on purpose.

Next up, believe it or not, the author advises Kerry to — and you’re not going to believe this — to flip-flop on the issues =D

“(H)e voted for the blank-check that allowed Bush to go to war in Iraq, he voted for the Patriot Act, he supports Sharon’s bestial policies in Palestine. Kerry has got to admit he made some mistakes – something Bush is incapable of doing, but Kerry can – about those positions.

“He has to go to the American people and say he is wiser now than he was then; his votes were based on faulty information; he, we all, got snookered by a lying Bush Administration to convince and manipulate us into a war of choice, not one of necessity. And he was caught up, as were we all, by the immediate fear and desire to get the terrorists after 9/11, and voted in haste for the Patriot Act.”

That’s a recipe for success isn’t it — more flip-flopping for Kerry? Moreover, Kerry has already waffled on war in Iraq and the Patriot Act and undoubtedly he has only held firm on Israel because there’s no political gain in doing so. Israel has support from the majority of voters, so hammering them isn’t going to gain you anything with the average person. Furthermore, the Dems are already afraid — and justifiably so — that a lot of Jews are going to defect to the GOP because Bush is such a strong supporter of Israel. Is this really going to help hold those voters?

Then Weiner goes on to suggest (in so many words) that a few better writers and tips from Bill Clinton can turn Kerry from a plodding dullard into a…well another Bill Clinton on the stump. Hey, if it was just that easy, everyone would do it. I mean Kerry has been in the public eye for more than 3 decades now and if he hasn’t become charismatic yet, it isn’t going to ever happen.

Next suggestion, “Kerry can be a give-’em-hell-Harry kind of candidate, a straight shooter who tells it like it is.”

The “straight shooter” thing is just a gimmick and people know it which is why it doesn’t work very well. Ask John McCain — the loser of 2000 Republican primaries — about that some time. Here’s more from Weiner,

“Third, he should hold a major press conference, make some major announcements and then, for an hour, demonstrate how at ease he is with answering pointed questions from the reporters, how much knowledge he has at his fingertips, how ‘presidential’ he looks when measured against Dubya Doofus, how relaxed and self-deprecatingly funny he can be.”

Boy, this guy has real faith in Clinton’s ability to teach Kerry to speak doesn’t he? Because I’m going to tell you, Kerry certainly doesn’t appear to be “at ease…answering pointed questions,” knowledgable, or particularly presidential today….well, unless think Kerry repeating that he fought in Vietnam over and over again like a parrot somehow makes him a gifted speaker.

Then believe it or not, Weiner goes even further off the rails…

“Fourth, he needs to address the computer-voting issue head-on. It won’t matter if more citizens choose him on November 2nd unless their votes are accurately recorded and tabulated. His victory could be stolen unless the scandal of touch-screen voting problems is dealt with. As Stalin said, what matters is not who votes, but who counts the votes.”

Yes, that’s just what John Kerry needs — to come off as some sort of conspiracy kook who thinks Republicans are rigging the elections. That’d really pull in those undecided voters wouldn’t it?

Weiner then babbles on a bit about Rove’s “dirty tricks” and what Democrats should do in the event of a terrorist attack (blame Bush — big surprise there, huh?) and he’s done.

While these are certainly not the best ideas I’ve ever seen, it could be worse. I mean imagine how badly Kerry actually told the truth? Do you think the country’s ready for a Massachusetts liberal who’s to the left of Ted Kennedy, wants to give the UN a veto over how we use our military, abandon Iraq to a dictator, raise the gas tax 50 cents, & push for gun control. Compared to that, getting those speaking lessons from Slick Willie and raving about Diebold being part of a Republican plot doesn’t look so bad…

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