Frank Advice On Putting Saddam On Trial By Frank J.

30 Jun, 2004 by John Hawkins

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Now that Saddam has been turned over to Iraqis, it’s time for a trial. Is there anything cooler than that? A once oppressed people now get to put on trial their former dictator; that’s a meme I hope spreads.

Being the humanitarian I am and much smarter than that bafoonish Eugene Volokh who’s never linked to me (even I’ve linked to me), I’m going to give the Iraqis advice on how to conduct their trial:

* Don’t shoot Saddam before he at least gets in his plea or there may be some cries that the trial is illegitimate.

* Invite people to be character witnesses for Saddam; anyone who speaks up for him should be the next target for trial and execution.

* Whether you let cameras in the courtroom or not should be based on how much you want this to be labeled the “Trial of the Century.” Just a reminder: since we’re less than five years into this century, this trial has a pretty good shot.

* Remember to wear black robes and nicely powdered wigs because it will make anything you do seem official.

* Saddam deserves his own defense attorney for a fair trial; you can always put his lawyer on trial later for helping a murderous dictator.

* Body slamming Saddam into a table doesn’t officially count as cross-examination, but it should leave a lasting impression on the jury. Would a prosecutor body slam an innocent man?

* Though the videotape of him having a kitten tossing contest is somewhat damning, focus mainly on the mass graves.

* It will be funny if you shave off Saddam’s mustache at put on a table labeled as “Exhibit A”.

Well, I’ll laugh.

* If Saddam shouts, “You can’t handle the truth!” be careful continuing; he might not be bluffing.

* If some Amnesty International types say that execution is barbaric, tell them that Iraqis law states that anyone objecting to execution also gets executed. No one knows what Iraqis law is; they’ll fall for it.

* Don’t allow any rhyming in the closing statement; that seems to have an irrational effect on juries.

* Before the jury goes out to deliberate, have the judge remind them that Saddam is a murderous dictator and deserves to die.

* If Saddam isn’t found guilty and sentenced to death, you messed up and need to start over and try again.

Now have a fun trial, Iraqis; you deserve it!

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.