Frank Ideas To Reinvigorate The Republican Party By Frank J.

It’s pretty universally well known that the Republicans are in huge trouble as they’ve lost a number of special elections that I don’t know much about but all the smart people say are very important. At least I know I don’t care much more Republicans anymore; they lately just seem like a less mincing version of the Democrats. Frankly, things are so bad that for Republicans that if the Democrats don’t get the White House and huge gains in the House and Senate, they should really all jump off a bridge for sucking that much.
The new face of the Republican Party?

So the Republicans obviously need a new strategy if they want to regain power, and talking about how bad the other side is just ain’t it. Everyone knows the Democrats suck, but do they know if the Republicans don’t suck? I sure don’t. Republicans really need to be for something. For instance, they can’t just hope to win saying how bad liberals are; they need to be for something such as for punching liberals since they’re so bad. Now, I’m no Karl Rove — I don’t even like the taste of souls — but here are my ideas for a stronger, reinvigorated Republican Party.


* Cut Pork: Republicans have gotten bad with spending, so it will take a lot of work to get credibility on that issue. They can’t only oppose future pork; they should take it a step further and oppose pork already passed. That means getting some C4 and totally blowing up useless projects built with pork. Think of how dynamic it would be for a Republican to walk into some building holding a bomb and saying, “Justify this places existence or I will destroy it!” That’s free media attention right there.

* Punch the Hippies: I know. You’re saying, “There goes Frank being a mean Republican again.” But if you check the Hippie care handbook (last updated in the seventies), hippies need to be punched on a regular basis or they get shrill to the point of being a extreme public nuisance. Now, others may argue that punching hippies just because they’re idiots is a freedom of speech issue, but freedom of speech was only really intended for people with coherent things to say. You cannot make a rational argument that the Founding Fathers would have put up with hippies. You may say they wouldn’t punch them, but that’s just because they’d shoot them with musket or run them through with a cutlass — or am I getting the Founding Fathers confused with pirates? Anyway, the point is that hippie punching is necessary public service that would be cheered on by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Blackbeard. Next time hippies have a whiny protest near someplace with Republicans, all the Republicans should charge them screaming, “Rarr! Hippies!” That should just be as natural as breathing. The American public wants a party they know won’t put up with stupid, smelly hippies and the Republicans are the only ones who can step up and be that party.

* Pile of Justice: What do we do with all the terrorists we kill? I doubt anything too useful; my guess is they’re just lying around somewhere. But lying around in the Middle East doesn’t help us any; we need them here. Think of it: A big pile of dead terrorists on the National Mall in D.C. with a sign in front of it saying, “Brought to you by the Republican Party.” Now people can see exactly what Republican Party policies have accomplished. And what can the Democrats do in rebuttal? Put next to it their big pile of whining about healthcare and crap? I know I’ve said this idea before, but it’s worth repeating: A big pile of dead terrorists equals election victory.

* Exploit Democrat Sissiness: A big advantage the Republicans have over Democrats are that Democrats are bunch of sissies scared of their own shadows. This advantage is of no use if Republicans don’t exploit it, though. Next time some Democrat is on the House floor saying something stupid, a Republican needs to go up and knock him down without saying a word. What is the Democrat going to do about? Nothing; that’s what. Need to block a bill in the Senate but don’t have enough people for a filibuster? Grab the bill from the Democrat and play keep away with it. Accomplishes that exact same thing. If Republicans do things right, they can be the minority party, get everything they want, and make the Democrats do all the work. That’s smart politicking right there.

* Robot Suits: What if we could nominate Iron Man as our presidential candidate? He couldn’t be attacked on his personal life because people wouldn’t know who he is. What they would know about him is that he can blow up tanks. And if you have Iron Man in a debate with a Democrat, who are people going to vote for: the guy in the cool robot suit with rocket boots or the whiny Democrat? That’s why we need to develop cool robot suits (the technical terms for suits that make you look like a robot) and instead of deploying them militarily use them in a political setting. You don’t have to worry about Democrats doing the same thing because robot suits have weapons on them and Democrats are scared of those.

* Remind People that Being a Republican Is Fun: Everybody loves that game Grand Theft Auto IV, so about a new game called Grand Old Party. It will be the same in that you run around the city doing whatever you want, but in this game you get away with everything because you’re rich and a Republican with a gun — sort of a Republican simulator. In real life, we keep hearing how rich Republican are, so why don’t we see that more? They should be driving around in fast cars with hot women, and they shouldn’t even campaign because they should be like too cool to care what people think about them. Then everyone will want to be a Republican… but we won’t let them. It’s exclusive. We’ll constantly reject people telling them, “Sorry. You can’t be a Republican; you’re too lame. You’ll have to vote for a Democrat.” And then even more people will want to be Republicans because they can’t be!

* Remind People America Is Great: America is the most awesome country out there. Think of some other country. Well, America is at least ten time more awesome than that country (probably closer to a million times). What’s with all the worrying about what other countries think about America? We didn’t use to care about that. Not only should Republicans keep reminding people how great America is (which is closely related to the Republican Party and thus why Democrats don’t like flag pins), but they should also produce a documentary showing how horrible it is to be a foreigner with their lack of freedoms, stupid attitudes, and funny hats. Then people will remember how awful and stupid foreigners are and not care what they think once again, just like God intended for America.

* Ride a Stampede of Elephants into Town: This one is so obvious I don’t know why we haven’t seen it yet. The Republican symbol is the elephant, so why don’t Republicans ride into a town on a stampede of elephants destroying everything in its path? That would awesome, and eventually people would fear Republicans like they did the Huns.

So, those are my ideas for the Republican Party. They may seem elaborate, but they all come down to having a clear vision of what you stand for, standing strongly for those principles, and acting like you’re a god among men. It’s the strategy that worked for the Republicans in the eighties.

This satire was used with the permission of IMAO.

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