Hopeful Insomniacs Invade Beantown By Matt Myford

The nation’s sleepless, in dire need of rest, are converging upon Boston for the Democratic National Convention, according to the Beantown Travel & Tourism Agency.

“We’ve heard rumors about how John Kerry speeches are popular among insomniacs,” said the BTTA spokesman Marty Rossi.

Rossi observed that people “wearing ratty bathrobes” and “shuffling about the streets in slippers” are seen on most city corners.

An insomniac who requested anonymity said he “hasn’t slept like a baby since ’88,” when Michael Dukakis rendered thousands groggy during that year’s DNC.

Another bloodshot-eyed DNC attendant, Joe Hotolski, listed the various methods he’s used over the years to get some sleep, but to no avail: “Warm milk doesn’t work. Nor does soft music, love-making, yoga, or watching ‘Mad About You’ reruns.” Clearly frustrated, Hotolski said, “I’m banking on Al Gore at the podium for about three minutes. If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.”

Hotolski’s buddy, Mac Santelli, is returning for a DNC for the first time since ’84. “Mondale did the trick for me,” said Santelli. “However, there was a negative side-effect. Don’t get me wrong, Mondale was boring as hell…I was cured of insomnia even before he promised to raise my taxes. But once I slept on it, I realized Mondale could be possibly be running the country very soon. he mere thought of a Mondale presidency threw me into spasms of fear and paranoia…and I didn’t sleep ‘til Reagan landslided Mondale in November.”

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