Iraqi Elections: Live-Blogging By John From Wuzzadem

I just got home. The polls in Iraq opened about 45 minutes ago, I’ll be live-blogging the election coverage on the cable news networks:

Geraldo Rivera
…on this most exciting, joyous, and indeed historic of occasions in the lives of these proud Iraqi people, who have lived for so long under the tyrannical rule of the murderous, bloodthirsty, megalomaniacal, power-hungry, sadistic, brutal dictator Sadam Hussein. I have here with me Sergeant Buck Trainor of the Fighting First Cav, a unit my brother and I spent quite a bit of time with in Afghanistan. Come on over here, Sarge.

Sergeant Trainor
Good to see you, Geraldo.

Geraldo Rivera
Good to see you again, man. The last time I saw you, my brother Greg and I had just driven across some of the most treacherous territory in Afghanistan, literally putting our lives at risk in a valiant effort to reach the front lines. I recall our driver, a little guy we called ‘Wazzi’, saying that he’d never seen a more courageous and dedicated…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
Ron Reagan, this will be the first time in over fifty years that the people of Iraq will have the opportunity to participate in a free, fair, and democratic election. What are your thoughts on this historic occasion?

Ron Reagan
Well, Joe, there are over a thousand candidates in this election. They are as diverse as the people of Iraq, and include Sunnis, Shi’ites and Kurds. Fortunately for the people of Iraq, none of them are bible-thumping evangelicals Jesus-freaks who feel compelled to shove their religious beliefs down the throats of….

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Greta van Susteren
…so once again, it appears that this was a lone suicide bomber who never made it to his intended destination, blowing himself up at a checkpoint instead. Joining me now is Cyril Wecht, nationally renowned forensic pathologist. Dr. Wecht, it’s good to see you again, looks like you’ve been working on that tan.

Wecht
Good to be here, Greta.

Greta van Susteren
Dr. Wecht, with an explosion of this kind, that is, someone actually blowing himself up with what was apparently a fairly powerful explosive device, what kind of injuries would you expect to see?

Wecht
Well, Greta, the bomber himself was most likely literally blown to bits.

Greta van Susteren
What about possible secondary injuries?

Wecht
Well, one would assume that the resulting spray of shrapnel, bone fragments, bits of skull…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
Our own David Schuster is in Baghdad. David, there have been a lot of concerns about security there, with the Sunni Arabs threatening to kill anyone who takes part in this election.

David Shuster
That’s right, Joe. Unfortunately, those threats have been very effective, resulting in widespread fear, and leaving very little hope of any meaningful participation in this election…

Joe Scarborough
David, I hate to interrupt you, but right now I’m looking at a live feed from Mosul, and it appears that there are long lines at the polling places. In fact, I’m looking at what appears to be hundreds of people waiting to vote as we speak.

David Shuster
Really? Well, Joe, considering the situation on the ground in Mosul, I’d say those people are practically sitting ducks in an area controlled by Baathist extremists…

Joe Scarborough
Well, there are also American snipers positioned strategically on rooftops…

David Shuster
They wouldn’t be the first snipers to be taken out by…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Rita Cosby
I’m joined now by Tom Hammill, who spent about three weeks in captivity in Iraq before making a dramatic and highly publicized escape. Tom, I want to thank you for joining me here tonight.

Hammill
It’s my pleasure, Rita.

Rita Cosby
So, what are your thoughts tonight as these brave Iraqi citizens, with whom you developed such a strong bond before your capture, venture out to vote in a democratic election for the first time in their lives?

Hammill
Rita, I’m overjoyed by the prospect of these…

Rita Cosby
I’m sorry Tom, but we’re running short on time, so let me ask you something. I know you still have quite a few friends in Iraq, tell me, what do they think about the Michael Jackson case?

Hammill
The Michael Jackson case?

Rita Cosby
Obviously they don’t see as much of the coverage as we do here in The States, but certainly they must be aware of the colossal blunder made by Tom Sneddon, the DA who announced very early on that the case was, in his words, ‘a slam dunk’. Of course, those words came back to…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
…and what appear to be American military helicopters patrolling the skies..

David Shuster
I’d hate to be in one of those choppers, considering the capabilities of the surface-to-air missiles the insurgents…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Geraldo Rivera
…so my brother Greg tells the guy – hey, are you listening?

Sergeant Trainor
What? Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m listening.

Geraldo Rivera
He says to this guy, “Look man, you don’t want to mess with me. My brother and I are both third-degree black belts, and these hands are registered weapons…”

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Ron Reagan
…buck-toothed, cousin-marrying, ignorant Neanderthal…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Rita Cosby
…said that Jackson gave him wine, which he called “Jesus juice”, showed him pornographic pictures, and asked him to touch…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
…tanks and armored vehicles surrounding the city on all sides..

Shuster
One IED and those tanks are toast.

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Cyril Wecht
…massive pulmonary barotrauma, which of course, is the most common fatal primary blast injury…

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
…there we see Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi casting his ballot…

David Shuster
Wouldn’t want to be him, Joe.

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Rita Cosby
How could they not know who Kobe Bryant is?

Hammill
I don’t even know who that is.

(CHANNEL CHANGE)

Joe Scarborough
And that, of course, is Iraqi Interim President Ghazi al-Yawer casting his ballot…

David Shuster
Dead man walking.

(TELEVISION OFF)

I give up. I’ll check the papers in the morning.

Satire used with permission of John From Wuzzadem. You can read more of his work by clicking here.