John Edwards to Sue Everyone Who Doesn’t Vote for Him By William Grim

Washington, DC — Personal liability lawyer and Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards announced today that he is bringing a lawsuit against everyone who doesn’t vote for him during this election cycle. In his lawsuit filed just two hours ago in the Federal District Court of Northern Virginia, Edwards states that American citizens who vote for other candidates are “depriving plaintiff of constitutionally protected freedoms and are engaging ipso facto in restraint of trade. Such actions constitute a tort against plaintiff by depriving him of his livelihood as an overpaid and underworked public servant.”

Edwards is asking for compensatory and punitive damages “in excess of $180 million,” the amount of money and fringe benefits he would stand to realize from eight years as president and 25 years of retirement. Additionally, Edwards is asking for $120 million to compensate for lost royalties and fees from presidential memoirs, speaking engagements and lobbying contracts.

Political experts and court watchers are divided on the lawsuit’s chances of success. Spokespersons for former presidential candidates George McGovern and Walter Mondale said the two men would have no comment on the matter unless it is successful, in which case they will file similar lawsuits and claim it was their idea all along

If you enjoyed this satire by William Grim, you can see more of his work at Broken Newz.

Share this!

Enjoy reading? Share it with your friends!