Kerry Stumps Behind The Cheddar Curtain By Iowahawk

29 Sep, 2004 by John Hawkins

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BLUE COLLAR KERRY WOWS CHEESEHEAD BARFLIES

Kerry fared better in a late afternoon appearance in nearby Mt. Horeb, when he dropped in at the D&G Taproom to rub elbows with local voters. The candidate garned a loud cheer when he entered the tavern wearing a foam rubber cheese hat and a silk Packers ascot under his blue blazer.

“I say to you, who among us does not love the manly rough-and-tumble of the gridiron?” said Kerry, gesturing to the Packer game playing on the bar’s big screen television. “Alas, if only we could be there, in person, amid the frozen penumbra of Rimbaud Field. Belgian ales for all!”

Unable to locate a keg of Belgian ale, D&G bartender Stacey Klein persuaded the cadidate to instead treat the patrons to Leinenkugel. Raising his glass, Kerry led the Packer faithful in a toast to the memory of Vance Lamborghini.

“And let us also recall number 66, the great linebacker Friedrich Nietzsche,” added Kerry, hoisting a demitasse of Schlitz. “For truly he was an ubermensch.”

After distributing free plates of Roquefort curds and bratwurst pate, Kerry exited Mt. Horeb astride a Polaris snowmobile, showering the street with sparks.

Despite the free beer and cheese, bar patron Brian Swenson said that he was still planning on voting for President Bush.

“Hey, I’m not that much of a drunk,” he noted.

LOCKHART VOWS MORE DIPLOMACY WITH ALLAWI

Backing off his remarks last week when he characterized Ayad Allawi as a “third rate ventriloquist dummy,” “Chimpy’s Imperial Mini Me,” and “the Muppet Show Starring Kermit the Flack,” Kerry spokesman Joe Lockhart said that the Iraqi president would enjoy the “full support” of a Kerry administration.

“John Kerry has said repeatedly that he is committed to diplomacy and building strong ties in the global community,” said Lockhart. “If elected, he will work dilligently with our international allies to secure a safe exile location for Mr. Allawi after his sham government collapses.”

TERESA SLAMS WAR, TESTS, MARZIPAN

Pueblo, CO – In a free-wheeling address today at the Speedway Gas ‘N’ Go on I-25, First Lady hopeful Teresa Heinz-Kerry leveled broadsides at the Iraq war, standardized college tests, former Gucci designer Tom Ford, and “chauvinistic, insubordinate gardeners.”

“It is the twenty-first century, and yet there are men who still ignore the voices of strong, outspoken women,” she said. “They give strong women that blank stare, and turn up their leafblowers, and pretend they don’t understand English. But you know, and I know, and all strong women know, they do.”

Heinz-Kerry saved her harshest critism for various foods, singling out iceberg lettuce and marzipan.

“I find marzipan to have a waxy, bad texture that I find personally annoying,” she noted. “Honestly, do you know anyone who likes it? I do not.”

“I now find this appearance to be tedious,” she added, as she summoned a phalanx of campaign aides to escort her to a waiting helicopter.

While there were only four people in the store to hear the speech, campaign spokeswoman Grace Bernhardt called it a “smashing success.” Bernhardt said that Heinz-Kerry will continue her 15-state western outreach tour, including tomorrow’s rally at American Storage in Cody, Wyoming.

“This will be a close election, and is critical to the John Kerry campaign that Teresa be out in front of voters, whether they’re in a Idaho strip mall or abandoned Montana rock quarry,” said Bernhardt.

If you enjoyed this satire by Iowahawk, you can read more of his work here.