Kerry Vows To Balance Edwards’ Warmth And Charm By Being Frosty And Aloof By Andy Borowitz

12 Jul, 2004 by John Hawkins

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Barely Acknowledges Audience in Latest Appearance

In the hopes of balancing the Democratic ticket, Sen. John Kerry today vowed that he would be “frostier and more aloof than ever before” to counter the warmth and charm of his vice-presidential running mate, Sen. John Edwards.

“John Edwards really knows how to connect with voters,” Sen. Kerry told reporters. “To have a truly balanced ticket, then, I have to be even more remote and off-putting than I have been to date.”

While some critics questioned whether a warm, engaging candidate really needed to be balanced by a stiff, charmless robot, Mr. Kerry’s new, more-off-putting-than-usual persona was very much on display in a campaign appearance today in Akron, Ohio.

Instead of giving his usual stump speech, Mr. Kerry barely acknowledged his audience before sitting down and reading the newspaper in stony silence.

In response to criticism of his Akron appearance, which observers called “alienating,” Mr. Kerry said he would continue to give voters the cold shoulder: “This is the real me, and if the voters don’t like it they can put it where the sun don’t shine. Honestly, I’ve had about enough of these jokers.”

Perhaps to offer a counterpoint to Mr. Kerry’s icy performance, Mr. Edwards today kissed twenty thousand babies and toddlers, believed to be a modern-day record for a vice-presidential candidate.

In other news, Saddam Hussein said today that he was still the President of Iraq, and added that he was looking forward to the next season of “Friends.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Andy Borowitz, you can read more of his work at The Borowitz Report.