Kerry Will Debate…Kerry By Boone Adams

19 Jul, 2004 by John Hawkins

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Tom Brokaw announced today that John Kerry will debate himself in three nationally televised events. The longtime anchorman believes this is a first in American politics and is very much needed.

“Presidential hopeful John Kerry has been around long enough to have voted on both sides of every issue. The Democratic Party thought that these debates would be the best format to clear the air,” stated Brokaw from his home in Three Mile Island.

Some of the more controversial topics to be discussed in the debates are the homeless, abortion rights and which rich people should get the largest tax breaks.

Kerry’s stance on the homeless has been been confusing if not outright silly. The Senator believes homeless people have equal rights as long as they have a mail box and some sort of utility in their name.

On the other hand Kerry has voted to have all homeless committed to institutions for the insane unless they shower with gravel twice a day.

The abortion issue seems to have Kerry really waffling. He believes in the right to choose, but only if the woman is over sixty years old or a tall man.

The senator actually has made a tough stand on taxes for the rich. Only those wealthy enough to have given him millions will be given tax breaks. Those who do not give to his campaign will see a very large increase in their taxes for the duration of his presidency.

The Kerry camp had no comment concerning the debate except,” John Kerry is ready to put himself in his place. We look forward to the opportunity to clear up these issues. Regardless of what we say, we are ready for a good clean fight.”

The debates will be held live at three different locations around the country. The first will take place at the foot of the Mckinley Monument in Canton Ohio on August third at midnight. The second will be held in a Wal-Mart parking lot at two a.m. Sepember sixth. The last, and most highly publicized debate, will occur under water at the public pool in Camden Maine three hours before the polls open.

The events are closed to the public and only members of the Hartford Polo Club will be admitted.

If you enjoyed this satire by Boone Adams, you can read more of his work at The Spoof!.