Lay: Enron Collapsed While I Was At Lunch By Andy Borowitz

15 Jul, 2004 by John Hawkins

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Bold New Defense for Embattled CEO

Embattled former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay adopted a bold new legal strategy today, telling CNN that he had no part in Enron’s spectacular collapse because it happened “while I was at lunch.”

Speaking to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Mr. Lay said that he wished he could have done something to prevent the energy giant’s demise, “but I was out of the office at the time.”

When Mr. Lay returned from lunch, he told Mr. Blitzer, “Enron was gone.”

The “out to lunch” strategy, as Mr. Lay’s defense team is calling it, carries with it certain risks, since jurors may wonder why no one from Enron called Mr. Lay at the restaurant to tell him that Enron was collapsing.

But Mr. Lay offered an explanation for this as well, telling Mr. Blitzer, “My cell phone battery was dead because I forgot to charge it the night before, and the next thing I knew, Enron was gone.”

The former CEO gave a sneak preview of yet another daring legal gambit, telling Mr. Blitzer that it was not he but rather the stockholders of Enron who should be prosecuted and imprisoned.

“Enron lost billions of dollars, but somebody had to put those billions of dollars there to begin with, and quite frankly, that was the stockholders,” Mr. Lay said. “As far as I’m concerned, the real villains here are getting off scot-free.”

Elsewhere, filmmaker Michael Moore mended fences with Disney today, announcing that he would direct a remake of the animated classic “Bambi” in which Bambi’s mom is killed by Dick Cheney.

If you enjoyed this satire by Andy Borowitz, you can read more of his work at the Borowitz Report.