Michael Jackson Acquitted In Time To Find Missing Utah Boy — Satire By Tad Hayworth

11-year-old Brennan Hawkins, missing for four days in the Wasatch-Cache National Forest, has been found alive by Michael Jackson. Rescuers say that the King of Pop was acquitted just in time to fly to Utah and save the boy.

“It is like a miracle,” said rescue worker Aaron Anderson, “Michael arrived at the campsite and asked for a piece of clothing that the boy had worn. After smelling the Boy Scout’s “Revenge of the Sith” underwear for several minutes, he got down on all fours and began tracking Brennan’s footsteps, grunting and snuffling.”

Broken Newz has learned that the odd appearance of Jackson’s nose is not due to repeated plastic surgery. Jackson has in fact spent millions on the development of a “bionic nose” which gives him superhuman powers of smell. “I hoped that I would be able to augment other parts of my body for unnaturally advanced performance,” said Jackson, “my eyes, hearing, touch, but even my wealth has limits. I plan to boost my skin sensitivity, to the point where I can even feel the subtle, soft differences of skin on a child’s body. That’s just an example; you people always think it’s sexual. It’s not sexual.”

This satire was used with the permission of Broken Newz.

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