Mock Sharpton / Kucinich Presidency Dubbed ‘Catastrophic Disaster’ By Matt Myford

13 Feb, 2004 by John Hawkins

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U.S. security officials recently analyzed a simulated Al Sharpton presidency and grimly concluded its impact would be “somewhere on the scale between a giant tsunami hitting the west coast and being ravaged by marauding Huns along most of Interstate 40.”

The test was designed to show the country’s resolve and willpower under “extreme duress,” and Norm Richards, who helped design the simulation, concluded that “Mr. Sharpton’s fiscal policies alone would send thousands plunging from bridges.”

Fears were assuaged by John Kerry’s surge on Super Tuesday, in which the Massachusetts Senator won five of seven states. “Had Sharpton won two or three,” Richards stated, “I would have seriously considered moving all my loved ones to Canada.”

The test also placed Dennis Kucinich as Sharpton’s Vice-President. “We sorted through an array of historical characters and, the whole citizenship requirements aside, discovered only Vladimir Lenin, Attila the Hun, and the Roman emperor Nero would have made more disastrous Sharpton sidekicks,” Richards said. Among U.S. citizens, only Yoko Ono and Ralph Nader would have more “severe consequences on the health of the nation.”

With Kucinich as president, the computer simulator apparently did “the tilt,” technical jargon for information overload. As commander-in-chief, the United States would have to fend off an invasion from the coalition forces of the tiny Caribbean nation of Aruba and Venezuela. “Once Aruban and Venezuelan forces overran Florida and Georgia, the computer kind of went haywire,” said Richards. In the simulation, Kucinich’s proposed “Department of Peace” was immediately regarded by other nations that the U.S. was a “nation of shopkeepers…and sissies.”

“Hell, I even think a Sharpton / Kucinich ticket would be much worse than the tsunami scenario,” an anonymous official said. “I mean, a tsunami wipes California off the face of the earth…tell me, how does this qualify as a disaster?!?”

Another official, who refused to offer her name, took heart in John Kerry’s recent successes. “Al’s campaign – thankfully – doesn’t appear to be going anywhere.” And lest people think Sharpton’s demise is a result of the American people’s concern about putting a black man in office, Richards disagrees. “That’s not the case at all. It’s not about race in the least. It’s about giving extraordinary powers to a man with a mullet. We haven’t had a mulleted president since John Tyler, and I don’t think people remember him as a great president.”

Thanks to RWN reader Matt Myford for sending in this satire.