New Test Approved for Airport Baggage Screeners By Scott Ott

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) today introduced a new, more challenging test for baggage screeners after Congressional critics claimed a previous test was too easy.

Here are some sample questions from the new test:

How do threats get on board an aircraft?
a) They buy tickets and walk on, like everyone else.
b) Because it’s politically incorrect to target them for searches.
c) They climb through a loophole in our immigration policy enforcement
d) All of the above.

Why is it important to screen bags for improvised explosive devices (IEDs)?
a) Because IEDs are likely to be hidden somewhere, rather than brandished openly.
b) It’s the least you can do when you’re getting paid $38,000+ per year to stare at an x-ray monitor and grope through luggage.
c) Explosive devices might contain peanut fragments or dust, which are prohibited aboard all domestic flights due to potential allergic reactions among a fraction of one percent of airline passengers.
d) Because you get to see all kinds of interesting things inside passenger baggage, and that helps you stay awake until the end of your shift.

What is your primary responsiblity as a TSA screener?
a) To ensure that funding keeps flowing to a new, massive government bureaucracy.
b) To add to the anxiety of people who are already afraid of flying by introducing the fear of being frisked, and the fear of publicly revealing the holes in their socks.
c) To avoid frisking anyone who might accuse you of “profiling”
d) To create the illusion of tough security in American airports by wearing a faux police uniform and speaking in brusque, monosyllables.

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.

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