One-Point Plan for Iraq: Don’t Elect Kerry By Frank J.

Kerry recently came out with his four-point plan for Iraq, but they were all basically what Bush is already doing… except Kerry would do it while haughtier and more French-looking. It took a lot of brainstorming for him to come up with those points, and I obtained a probably non-forged document of the rejected ideas.


10. To help fund it, have corporate sponsorship. I.e., the interim government becomes the Coca-Cola government.

9. Calm fears of allies by negotiating new corrupt deals with France over oil.

8. Don their clothing and become one of them ala Laurence of Arabia.

7. Give troops more nuanced weaponry that never does anything useful but has lots of electronics and switches but never seem to do anything.

6. See if the insurgents would be any nicer if the knew the president of the U.S. served in Vietnam.

5. Send his wife over there to give them an example of what a liberated woman is like.

4. Get people against Sadr by telling them that ‘S’ stands for “stupid.”

3. Rename Iraq “Happy Fun Desert Land” for better marketability.

2. Have all the different factions meet at Kerry’s (wife’s) Cape Cod estate for a dinner party to resolve all differences over hors douvres.

And the number one rejected point for Kerry’s Iraq plan…

Run away!

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