Our National Things Can Beat Up Your National Things By Frank J.

30 Sep, 2004 by John Hawkins

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The House has voted to make the oak the national tree. I guess that’s all fine and good, but trees all look the same to me. Why not some more national things? Like, we have our national bird, but what about a national animal? I say the T-Rex… if it doesn’t have to still be living. Here are some other national ideas:

National Amphibian: The American Hellbender, baby. Its name is wicked sweet.

National Fish: The dolphin.

National Factoid We Don’t Care About: That the dolphin is not a fish.

National Firearm: I’m partial for the 1911, but I’m thinking it should be the peacemaker to piss-off all the Europeans who think “cowboy” is an insult.

National Country We Hate: France. It’s part of being an American to hate France.

National Simpsons Quote: Lots of good quotes to choose from. Here’s my suggestion:

Homer: Do you want it done right or do you want it done fast?
Marge: Like most Americans, I want it done fast!

National Action Movie: Die Hard. Taking out terrorists with a cowboy attitude. Yippee-ki-yi-yay, mother…

National Monotreme: Platypus or Echinda… how does one choose?

National Food: Stewed monkeys… or hotdogs.

National Attitude Towards Terrorism: Kill the B*stards!

National Made Up Kung Fu Move: Lunging Dragon Kick

National Blog: Right Wing News. It best represents America. If you don’t like Right Wing News, you’re a d*mn Commie!

National Insult: D*mn Commie!

If have any opinons on these or ideas for other national stuff, put it in the comments… the national comments!

*** Note: In the original article, Frank J. suggested making IMAO the national blog. However, I’m sure he was being harassed by monkeys or making out with his t-shirt model or something and meant to actually write that Right Wing News should be the national blog, because all good-hearted people love Right Wing News. So, I fixed it for him in the column because that’s what friends, or more aptly, people who have full editorial control of what goes up on their own blog, do. You can thank me later Frank J.! ***

Also, if you enjoyed this humor by Frank J., you can read more of his work here.