Profile: Patton

12 Sep, 2003 by John Hawkins

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Rachel Lucas seems to be building a pretty good sized audience by being known as “that belligerent chick who rants about guns, dogs, & Michael Moore”. In an effort to blatantly steal the “dog demographic” from Rachel, I’ve decided to talk a little more about my dog — Patton. Of course, nobody could possibly mind me talking about my dog anyway since all goodhearted people love dogs. Only weird & twisted members of our society, like MEChA supporters, serial killers, and people who fantasize about getting backrubs from Yasser Arafat could possibly dislike man’s best friend. So here are a few fun facts about Patton…

His Name: His first owners named him Sully. I decided to name him Patton not only because I’ve long planned to name my dogs after my favorite US generals (Sherman & Mac will be the names for my next two dogs), but because I didn’t want people to think I named him after Andrew Sullivan.

Heritage: He’s a pure blooded Jack Russell Terrier on his fathers side & a Pomeranian/Husky/Beagle mix (don’t ask) on his mother’s side. However, he barks furiously if you call him a “terrier-American” so don’t go there.

Likes: Small furry toys that squeak, doggie ice cream, belly scratches, playing fetch, chasing cats, birds, and anything else that moves, and of course America, motherhood, & apple pie.

Dislikes: The Vacuum cleaner, riding in the car — especially since I flipped my car over with him in it, being told he’s a “bad boy”, crapping outside, and like his namesake general Patton, I’m certain he loathes Commies and Nazis.

Arch-Enemy: A German shepherd from upstairs, who outweighs him by about 50 pounds, and is sometimes allowed to roam around without a leash. Patton has jumped on him twice and once actually ran him completely across a parking lot. Patton has yet to find a French Poodle who he can force to surrender, but give him time.

Cute Habits: Sleeping on my shoe so he can tell when I move, sitting at the window watching for me to return, tossing his toys into the air and running after them, “accidentally” dropping his toys and then staring at me until I pick them up and throw them across the apartment so he can chase them down, & putting his paw over his heart when the pledge of allegiance plays.

Not So Cute Habits: Barking furiously at brown haired women, refusing to crap outside, deliberately destroying things in the house when he’s separated from me, biting me on the chin as a greeting, tearing any paper he finds into dozens and dozens of tiny pieces, eating cat litter, & secretly watching “Bowling for Columbine” on the DVD player when I’m not home.

Things He Has Destroyed: 3 pairs of shoes, 4 network cables, 2 pillows, a quilt, part of a doorframe (I kid you not), & while he hasn’t quite “destroyed” one of our couches YET, he has defiled it to the point that a pig would look at that couch and go, “OMG! You don’t expect me to actually sit on that do you????”

‘People Skills’: Barks incessantly (and I do mean incessantly) at one of my roommate’s girlfriends, loves to run full speed towards people and then jump through the air and land at their feet, likes to wait for other people to pass him and then jump on the back of their legs, he scares some of the kids next door so much that they literally crawl on top of cars when he gets within 50ft of them (despite the fact that he is always on a leash and weighs 18 1/2 pounds soaking wet), and he also growls ferociously at telemarketers — but then who doesn’t?

Don’t you love Patton? I hope so, because I’m trying to figure out some way to put his mug on an RWN T-shirt.