Rumsfeld: ‘Iraq Is Not Gigle’ By Andy Borowitz

26 Apr, 2004 by John Hawkins

Print this article Font size -16+

In his most vehement defense of the war in Iraq to date, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld told reporters today, “Iraq is not ‘Gigli.’”

Mr. Rumsfeld made his remark just hours after Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass) compared Iraq and the ill-fated Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck vehicle from the well of the U.S. Senate.

“Can there be any doubt that the United States is heading down a dangerous path in Iraq – a path not unlike the path that led us to ‘Gigli?’” Sen. Kennedy asked his Senate colleagues.

While the war in Iraq has been criticized in recent days, Sen. Kennedy’s comparison between the war and “Gigli” was by far the harshest critique yet, prompting Secretary Rumsfeld to say that all such comparisons were “unhelpful and wholly inaccurate.”

“For one thing, ‘Gigli’ was out of theaters after two weeks, and the war in Iraq will be with us for years and years and years and years,” Mr. Rumsfeld said.

In a pointed barb seemingly directed at Sen. Kennedy, Mr. Rumsfeld asked, “Have those who are comparing Iraq to ‘Gigli’ actually seen ‘Gigli’? Don’t say something is ‘Gigli’ unless you’ve seen ‘Gigli,’ because only ‘Gigli’ is ‘Gigli.’”

Later in the day, a spokesman for Sen. Kennedy acknowledged that the Senator had not in fact seen “Gigli,” but added, “Senator Kennedy did see ‘Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle,’ and he believes that comparisons between that film and the war in Iraq are unavoidable.”

Elsewhere, in science news, a new study shows that toddlers who had difficulty sleeping improved after watching John Kerry on “Meet the Press.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Andy Borowitz, you can read more of his work at The Borowitz Report.