The 20 Biggest Stories Of 2006

Honorable Mention) Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon Suffered A Stroke And Cerebral Hemorrhage: Israel’s Prime Minister is laid low by health problems after he formed a new party. Would Hezbollah have been picking fights and Iran talking so tough if the old soldier were still running the show? Probably not.

Honorable Mention) Hamas Wins A Landslide Victory Over Fatah: The Palestinians opted for sweeping change in their country — by picking a different group of terrorists to be in charge.

20) Tim Johnson’s Surgery: After brain surgery, poor Senator Tim Johnson is stuck in the hospital recuperating with the Senate in the balance. Let’s hope he recovers soon!

19) Saddam Sentenced To Death: After a long, bizarre trial, the “Butcher of Baghdad” is finally scheduled to meet the Hangman. It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

18) Joe Lieberman Loses And Survives: Joementum may be pitiful, but at least it beats Nedmentum!

17) John Mark Karr Claims To Have Murdered JonBenet Ramsey: When creepy looking pedophile John Mark Karr claimed to have killed JonBenet Ramsey, a lot of people bought it because, well, just look at him! However, it turned out that Karr had a more fanciful imagination than JK Rowling because he made the whole thing up.

16) Mel Gibson’s Anti-Semitic Rant: He may be a drunk, an anti-Semite, and lame enough to call a female police officer “sugar t*ts,” but it doesn’t seem to have hurt his career.

15) British Airlines Terror Plot: Terrorists planned to destroy up to 10 airplanes in mid-air. It’s just another reminder that whether we like it or not, we’re at war, and it doesn’t end whenever we get tired of fighting.

14) The North Korean Nuclear Bomb Dud: What’s the only thing that’s scarier than a poofy haired psycho with nuclear weapons? A poofy haired psycho with nuclear weapons who’s too incompetent to operate them properly.

13) Mark Foley Cyber Seduces Congressional Pages: Not only did the Mark Foley scandal blunt the momentum of the GOP shortly before the election, because of him, the American public got to find out a lot more about gay cybersex than it ever wanted to know.

12) Duke Lacrosse Case: A group of Duke students aren’t being let off the hook for a crime that a 10 year old could see that they didn’t commit primarily because they’re white. In other words, this is the reverse OJ case.

11) Dick Cheney’s Hunting Accident: The veep shot his friend in the face while hunting. If he’d do that to his friend, just imagine what he’d like to do to our enemies. It’s almost enough to make you wish he was President.

10) Al-Zarqawi Is Killed In Iraq: Al-Qaeda’s main man in Iraq, Al-Zarqawi, was granted blessed martyrdom a bit sooner than he expected. Reportedly, he didn’t die immediately after he was hit by the bomb and his last words were, “Tell my goat I love her.”

9) Dome Of The Golden Mosque Destroyed In Iraq: Al-Qaeda tried to dramatically escalate sectarian bloodshed in Iraq by blowing up the Golden Mosque in Samarra. It worked like a charm.

8) The New York Times Reveals The Government Monitoring Of Banking Records: The American people spend billions on their intelligence agencies every year while Al-Qaeda just needs a subscription to the New York Times.

7) The United States Found 500+ Chemical Weapons In Iraq: When it became known that Saddam Hussein had over 500 pre-Gulf War WMDs when we invaded, the “Bush lied, people died,” crowd acted as if it was unfair to reveal that information just because it spoiled their bumper sticker slogan.

6) The Dubai Port Deal: When the United Arab Emirates-based Dubai Ports World acquired a British company and prepared to take over some US ports, the American people flipped out and George Bush showed that he has perhaps the worst case of “political tin ear” since Jimmy Carter by high-handedly ignoring concerns about the deal. Long story short, Congress killed the deal, Bush suffered a massive political blow, and then, everyone hunkered down and tried to forget that we have lots of foreign companies running our ports.

5) Ahmadinejad Does His “Hitler Light” Impression: Iranian madman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spent the year working on building an atomic bomb, targeting American troops in Iraq, putting together a Holocaust denial conference, and threatening to destroy Israel — incidentally, you ever notice that people who deny the Holocaust always come across as the sort of people who’d love nothing better than to participate in a new Holocaust if they were given the chance? In any case, all Ahmadinejad has managed to accomplish so far is raise Iran to the top of the “most likely to be bombed in 2007” category.

4) The Illegal Immigration Debate: There were debates about fences, anti-illegal alien ordinances passed all across the country, massive rallies featuring foreign flag waving illegals demanding things from the American people in Spanish, and a gruesome political struggle which tore the GOP apart — and the bruising fight is still far from over.

3) The Danish Muhammad Cartoon Controversy: Muslims worldwide had a hissy fit because some Danish cartoonists drew pictures of Muhammad. There were protests, riots, threats made, people murdered — you know, if “moderate” Muslims got as upset over their fellow Muslims murdering innocent people in the name of Allah as they did over these cartoons, the war on terrorism would be as good as won.

2) Israel Invades Lebanon: Israel rolled into Southern Lebanon, killed Hezbollah fighters left and right, tore up their infrastructure, and then next thing you know, the UN was involved and Israel was sitting at home branded as “losers” by most of the world. If only they’d bombed Hezbollah’s patrons in Syria, things might have been very different.

1) Democrats Take Control of Congress: Hold onto your wallets and burn proof your American flags because the Democrats are back in charge and this time? It’s personal!

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