The Coveted RWN Endorsement For President

So far, the Democratic candidates have been playing coy and not one of them has called or sent me an email begging for my endorsement. However, the time to bribe me has passed and I am officially ready to throw all of RWN’s might behind a Democratic candidate. But of course RWN’s loyal readers deserve an explanation of my thinking. So read on and you’ll see why RWN is endorsing….HA! You didn’t think I would just give it away at the start of the post did you?

— I thought about getting behind Carol Mosely Braun so that Meryl Yourish would stop calling me a sexist, but alas it was not to be. Wait, when I said I wanted to get behind Carol Mosely Braun I didn’t mean it like it sounded — seriously! Now if we were talking about Condi Rice or one of the Bush twins here — I think it might be better if I just move on to the next candidate…

— If he could win, Dennis Kucinich would provide me with four years worth of tin-foil hat jokes…if he could win…snicker, see, he’s funny already =D! But unfortunately, a vote for Dennis is a wasted vote.

— A Bob Graham presidency would mean four years worth of notebook parodies and I’m sure that would get old pretty fast. So I can’t in good conscience give Graham my endorsement.

— Let’s face it, having a Reverend Al vs. W. match up could be a lot of fun because the Rev is so wacky. If Sharpton became President he might be nutty enough to create a national holiday for Louis Farrakhan or sell Michigan to Canada and use the money for reparations. But Sharpton has no chance, so I decided that I couldn’t back him.

— It was tempting to vote for a hometown boy, John Edwards. But so far, his whole platform seems to be, “Vote for me because I’m a handsome man who’ll pander to trial lawyers” and I can’t endorse either of those positions. Thumbs down on John Edwards.

Dick Gephardt has missed 90% of his votes in Congress this time around. Since he can’t even do his old job, how can RWN support him for President? Besides, Republicans…ehr, Democrats need Dick Gephardt’s fine leadership skills in the House.

— I do have to admit that John Kerry has a lot of potential. He’s a “French looking” Democrat who finds a way to insert the fact that he served in Vietnam into every sentence and that can be amusing.

Person 1: Wow, look at that sun Mr. Kerry, it sure is hot.
Kerry: It was always hot when I was serving in Vietnam.
Person 2: Boy, I hope our ice cream doesn’t melt because of the heat.
Kerry: Back when I was Vietnam, I wished we had ice cream. But even if we did, I would have been too busy heroically killing Charlie to have eaten it.
14 year old high school student: “Vietnam? Did we get into a war with them?
Kerry: Yes we did son and it was a terrible thing. Have you got a few hours so I can bring you up to speed on what a horrible thing the whole war was and how I served my country there?

Like I said, Kerry has a lot of potential, but I had to pass.

— I would enjoy having Joe Lieberman in the White House just because it would freak out the Middle-East and the anti-Semites in Europe. Heck, Lieberman might draw so much crazy rhetoric that we might actually be able to convince the Democrats to get behind bombing some terrorist supporting countries over there. If that didn’t work, maybe we could get Ken Star to move to Iran and that could be enough to motivate them. But, I just couldn’t give the nod to Lieberman, even though he’s my fave Dem in the race.

— So now we’re down to the final man, the man who’s getting the coveted Right Wing News endorsement, Howard Dean. But with all these fine candidates to choose from, why Dean? Well, I think that can best be explained by paraphrasing a few lines from the Simpsons….

CHIEF WIGGUM: (He’s) easier to beat than a prisoner in shackles.
LOU: It’s pretty easy to beat a prisoner in shackles chief.
CHIEF WIGGUM: That’s the joke Lou, about (Dean’s) easy beatability.

Other people may not give Dean the credit he deserves, but RWN understands his potential! If Dean works hard enough and gives it his all, he can break Walter Mondale’s record and lose every state. What else can any good Republican say besides “Go Howie GO?”

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