The Top Ten Tips For Avoiding Leaks Of Sensitive Information By Frank J.

02 Oct, 2003 by John Hawkins

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There has been a lot of controversy about the leak of the identity of a CIA operative. This is trouble, because leaking classified information can lead to people getting killed, terrorists attacking, and the downfall of society itself – which is bad. So here are some tip to avoid leaks….

10. Use a metal safe to store classified information instead of a taped cardboard box labeled, “Secret! You no read!”.

9. Even though it is kinda funny, don’t hand out “I’m with covert agent” t-shirts to spouses of covert agents.

8. Instead of using the “He’s got an honest face” policy, have full background check on someone before giving him classified information.

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7. I don’t care how nice a day it is; don’t have meetings about national security out in the park.

6. Use advance methods to destroy classified documents. It doesn’t matter how much you crumple a piece of paper; there is technology to de-crumple it.

5. Remember: No one cares if you kill a journalist.

4. If you suspect someone of leaking information, hit him with a bat. There will be plenty of time for questions post assault and battery.

3. Before having a meeting which discusses sensitive information, spray the ceiling with a high-powered hose to make sure no ninjas are hiding up there.

2. If you know a bunch of undercover operatives, don’t tell them to Robert Novak. Apparently he writes a column of some sort.

And the number one tip for avoid leaks of sensitive information…

1. You know the saying, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you”? Follow through.

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.