Women and Farting

Over at FoxNews there’s a very funny article titled “15 Reasons Why She’s Not In The Mood“. Here’s #2:

She’s feels gassy.

That’s right. Women toot too. And whether she sounds like a trumpet or is being held hostage by a battle of bad gas, she’s feeling like a walking fart pillow. Even when she wants your touch, if her cherry bomb self feels more like a bloated whale than babe, nobody is seeing any action. This is definitely one of those proceed-at-your-own-risk situations.

Women and gas. It’s an unmentionable. And yet, and I know this is shocking, women fart. Most women, though, would prefer that you didn’t know this.

I’ll use me as an example as embarrassing as this will be. When I was pregnant with the twins, after a night hanging out with our best friends, I bent over to tie my shoes and accidentally tooted. It was audible. The room was silent. Everyone heard it and reflexively turned my direction. It was like time slowed down. My friend Jay crashed in with conversation like nothing had happened, but it had happened and there was no turning back and if it hadn’t been me, I would have been laughing and they probably did as soon as I left the house. Now, I know for a fact that had one of the guys farted either silently or audibly, everyone would have been howling in protest and laughter both and he wouldn’t be embarrassed at all.

Would being gassy stop a man from sex? Um, I don’t think so. Would the fear of being squished, lest a fart escape interfere with a man’s sex drive? I can’t imagine it. It does with women. And face it men, you don’t really like your woman farting, either. It isn’t ladylike.

The biological differences start early: my baby daughter burst into tears at two weeks old when she heard her father burp for the first time. My baby son, at about 8 months, bugged out his eyes in surprise and then laughed uproariously the first time he connected his farting with his body. At three, he already tries to burp as many times in a row as possible–cheered on by his older siblings, of course.

I guess we aren’t really equal, after all. We will know women have equal status when they can fart with impunity. Or maybe, women will be equal when men are just as embarrassed about farting as women are. Gender unfairness marches on.*

Cross-posted at Dr. Melissa Clouthier

*Yes, I’m joking.

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