Your Diapers Are Gaia’s Enemy!

Hey you! Yes you with the baby! How dare you destroy the environment! It’s bad enough that you’d bring a child into this world who’ll be breathing air and drinking water that could be better used by the rare snot sucker mussel or the three eyed butt picking sloth! But oh, oh, oh how could you put DIAPERS on that little rugrat! Why can’t you take the advice of the ecoextremists (extremism in defense of the endangered dung eating vomit beetle is no vice) over at Grist Magazine about diapers? Just ignore the disparaging comments from the people at ecoNOT in this article (I bet they have electricity in their houses and don’t even drive solar powered cars!)…

“…Umbra Fisk, official “advice columnist” for Grist Magazine–a leading environmentalist e-publication–is just bloated with helpful notions for the eco-wannabes who are obsessed with toilet issues

On February 12, 2004, the husband of an expectant mom wrote Umbra with a moral dilemma. “Due to prodding by my wife, I have begun to think about things such as diapers,” wrote Jason from the eco-conscious enclave of Denver. “Babies make a lot of boom-boom [ecoNOT readers: I am not making this up], and wrapping it all up in a bundle of plastic diaperness, tossing that in a plastic sack, and then tossing the lot in a landfill seems eco-unfriendly. And reusable diapers are definitely parent-unfriendly, insists my wife. I have seen some all-cotton and paper disposable diapers, but at $1 a pop, I’d have to sell the child to pay for the diapers. Besides, I can’t imagine anything biodegrades 100 feet down in a landfill. Since my wife has completely vetoed reusable cotton, what are some options to lessen the impact of my baby’s bodily functions on our Earth?”

We are truly inspired that Jason’s main concern is not for the comfort of his baby, nor for the convenience of the baby’s mother, but for the harmful impact that his baby may have upon Mother Earth. Such priorities deserve serious concern, and ever-helpful Umbra had this brilliant suggestion: “What about no diapers?”

She explains: “The disposable vs. reusable diaper fight is in a stalemate for the foreseeable future. (And it sounds as though mom-to-be has negged the reusable route anyway.)…The no-diaper idea is not mine to claim. People around the world who have no access to diapers manage to raise children, and a small group of parents in diaper-rich countries have decided to follow their lead. Around here [in the aromatic offices of Grist?], it’s called ‘elimination communication’ or ‘diaper-free.’ The concept is logical and simple: Infants give recognizable signs of imminent peeing and pooping; it’s possible to learn your infant’s signs; infant pee isn’t frightening; and if you train your kid to ignore their outputs, you’ll just have to go back and retrain them when traditional potty-training time arrives…Parents and caregivers need to be able to pay close attention to the child, hold him or her most of the time, and–obviously– be comfortable being unusual. If you think you might fit the bill, there are gobs of resources on the web for this retro cutting-edge environmentally friendly scheme. Check out for starters. Be the first in your neighborhood!”

Yes, be the first in your neighborhood to sit your little naked curtain climber on top of a bucket for half an hour while hoping not to get splashed with his urine or watery feces. Who says going to bizarre extremes to protect “Mother Earth” isn’t a blast?

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