Author: Unicorn Jones

Last time the Farm Bill went through Congress, it included a little nugget that might have surprised anyone with an understanding of American fish production, or anyone who doesn’t appreciate the Federal government spending their money on programs to do things the government does already. Despite spending $7 a year for the FDA to inspect […]

Ah, it’s Earth Day: the day when millions of unwitting schoolchildren across this country will be brainwashed into believing there really are: 50 simple things that can save the Earth from the devastating effects of modern industry, and where high schoolers will be force-fed copies of: An Inconvenient Truth while being excoriated on their rampant embraces of […]

It’s not like it’s a shock to anyone that Illinois is full of corruption. Heck, of the last seven governors, five spent their twilight years stamping license plates in orange jumpsuits (the governors, not the license plates). Even the low level bureaucrats in Illinois can taste the dream of one day owning the spotlight and […]

So while everyone has been preoccupied with the is-it-or-isn’t-it hurricane blowing wind at the Gulf Coast (Soledad O’Brien was so terrified of the effects that she went without makeup for her morning report from New Orleans), long-time friend of the United States and its interests, reliable trade partner and human rights paragon Russia has joined […]

Just in case you were wondering what Congress was doing while you were distracted with Barack Obama attempting to rewrite his own speeches (“I didn’t say that!”), rest assured that they are spending your money with your best interests at heart. Just kidding. Congress is attempting to implement a costly (read: at least $20 million) […]

Obviously, by now its’ clear that, while a job in private equity means that Mitt Romney can’t be President, Barack Obama finds his forays into picking winners and losers in the American market a perfectly acceptable use of his time and your money. His next exciting venture? Biotech! Because who needs precious dollars to prevent […]

In the midst of record high gas prices, which threaten the President’s re-election chances more than anything (other than perhaps his decision to sell out our missile defense system to Russia for two cases of vodka and a promise not to attack Canada until we’re ready to invade from the other side), you would think […]

Everyone’s favorite MSNBC’s program, Morning Joe, recently had an interesting debate over President Obama’s calls for increased taxes on oil and gas companies, because if you can’t trust MSNBC to discuss it, who can you trust? Thinking, perhaps, that someone who ran as Obama’s pod-clone, would demonstrate just how Dear Leader planned to rescue all […]

Its sort of fun hammering this home. I have to be honest. Here’s a President who, in his State of the Union speech claims that he is doing everything in his power to ensure that American people – and especially those blue-collar American workers who are so essential to his re-election – are headed back […]

There isn’t that much good news these days, so when it happens, you have to give John Boehner credit for not totally screwing up everything he touches. Last week, despite the overwhelming pressure from the Obama Administration to make any and every bill that goes through Congress as union-friendly as possible, Boehner struck a deal […]

Florida is considering a bill right now that would allow people tired of being exposed to giant cartoon mice to instead blow their hard-earned cash on slot machines and table poker games carefully located within pleasant yet confusing environments. Starved for money and unable – or unwilling – to earn it from taxing it’s geriatric […]

Back in the early part of this year, Barack Obama called all his friends to the White House in a desperate bid to pick their brains. You see, America doesn’t happen to be gaining jobs. Sure, there was the one jobs report that was kind of awesome because half the country felt so awful about […]

Across this great nation, environmental groups have been waging a war. A long war. A hot war. A war on that great menace to society, that irrepressible environmental monster that tortures our very existence, that tree-wasting behemoth that haunts their very nightmares, that booster seat for short people who drive really big cars: the Yellow […]

You’ve already taxed cigarettes, bagels, sugar, salt, things that move, things that don’t move, things that move sideways on Thursdays, people who disagree with you and small mammals. So what’s left? Well, why if it isn’t the Internet! There’s something that’s failed to bend to the will of Congress on regular occasions. Some might even […]

When you’re trying to help the economy recover, the smartest thing to do would be to make it as easy as possible for Americans to start and run their own small businesses, no? I mean, look, if corporate America isn’t hiring and the government can’t afford the workers it has now, the only option is […]

What does it take to get an entire OccupyWhatever group to be quiet for one God-forsaken minute? Apparently, just give them the idea that the best way to protest something is to have a “rally of silence.” Members of Occupy Houston will rally in silent protest at Energy Day on Saturday October 15, 2011. Energy […]

Last I checked, the Congressional supercommittee was charged with bringing down the national debt through a series of common sense budget cuts over the next decade. Although I’ve been in politics almost ten years, and living in reality slightly longer than that, I still held out hope that somewhere there was a Congressperson appointed to […]

Hippies really are magical things. Reality just doesn’t apply to them. But give them a “cause” and seventeen pages of someone’s Masters thesis on how capitalism appears to be ruining their jobless lives, and they’ll take to the streets by the thousands, chanting and hoisting giant papier-mache globes and inscrutable signs featuring giant red Communist […]

By now, you’ve probably heard that, if the EPA had it’s way, they’d shut down every coal power plant in the country and replace it with tenderly-gardened patchouli fields and useless, circular solar panels that hippies will dance around in the moonlight, chanting and wearing nothing but copies of the Clean Air Act. Despite what […]

No one can honestly believe the New York Times is an unbiased and impartial source for your daily dose of news. I mean, sure, the bizarre alternative reality you’d need to subscribe to to fully digest that as truth would be very similar to the kind of alternative reality you’d need to subscribe to to […]

The Obama Administration’s environmental policy is a hot mess. It’s like someone sent a copy of the kids version of 50 Simple Things You Can Do To Save the Earth to a bunch of college professors in an English lit department and let them figure out how to best implement simple policy using all of […]