The 7 Keys to Depressing Yourself

The 7 Keys to Depressing Yourself

Sure, some people seem to have a genetic advantage when it comes to getting depressed, but that’s not most people. Most people depress themselves, unintentionally. However, if you want to guarantee that you’re depressed, you can’t leave it to chance. Instead, you need to methodically follow these steps until you’re deeply depressed.

1. Focus on depressing things

I’m a happy person, but if I spend an hour thinking about putting my dog to sleep, women who broke my heart, people I love dying, and every crushing failure I’ve ever experienced, I’ll FEEL TERRIBLE. As I said, I’m a happy person, so I seldom do this, but there are people who have found a way to spend DECADES focused like a laser beam on traumatic memories from their past. These people are champions of depression!

2. Isolate yourself at home

If you want to be depressed, the LAST THING you should ever want to do is see another person who might cheer you up. It’s much safer to just isolate yourself at home where there’s no one else to make you feel better. Plus, if you stay by yourself, it’s much easier to maintain the false illusion that no one cares. Bonus points!

3. “Sadden” up your posture

Listen, buddy, no one who has his chin held high and his chest out as he stands up straight, bounces around, and grins like he just killed Baby Hitler is going to be depressed for very long. If you want to depress yourself, you need to adopt a depressed posture. Hold your head down, slump your shoulders and make yourself as small as possible while you wrinkle up your bottom lip into a pout and you’ll start feeling that sadness flow through you.

4. Watch sad movies and listen to sad music

One of the easiest ways to depress yourself is to listen to sad music and watch sad movies. Anything sad will do, but the most depressing material is the stuff that reminds you of some tragic event in your life. Put that song on loop that reminds you of the girl you wanted to marry who told you that you are a loser after you found her in bed with your best friend. Watch that movie that always reminds you of how alone you feel. Look at your dog, think about how much you love him and then watch Where the Red Fern Grows so you can be reminded that he’ll be gone one day. This works, particularly if you get repetitive with it. When you find that song or movie that really twists the knife, just repeat it over and over, feeding off the crushing darkness as it sucks you into despair. You definitely do not want to start watching comedies and listening to upbeat music non-stop. That might perk up your mood and ruin everything.

5. Worry endlessly about things you can’t control

I’ve never been much for worrying, but even I can see a certain utility to worrying about things you CAN control. If you’re worried about how you’re going to do on a test, it may prompt you to study. If you’re worried that you’re out of shape, you might hire a trainer or just start working out on your own. On the other hand, worrying about things you can’t control makes you feel bad with no benefits whatsoever.  So really ruminate over those things you can’t control and you can start feeling worse today! Then, as an extra added plus, after realizing that most of the bad things you can’t control didn’t happen, you can kick yourself for being such a screw-up that you worried about nothing. This is DEPRESSION GOLD!

6. Don’t take care of yourself

Even happy people tend to get a little cranky if they’re dead tired or sleepy, so embrace that. Don’t get enough sleep and drink to numb the pain. Then, when you wake up with a hangover, have a little of the “dog that bit you” to get over it. Eat crummy food, don’t exercise, avoid fresh air and sunshine, and please, please, please, don’t go to the doctor when you get sick. There is nothing like physical pain or feeling terrible to put you in a bad mood and if you do go to the doctor, he might make you better. That’s doubly true for a psychologist! It’s best to ignore your problems and hope they metastasize into something worse.

7. Embrace pessimism

As people say, Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you’re right!”  So, just assume that people suck, you’re not going to get what you want, and that misery is the standard of human existence. Because people tend to see exactly what they expect, and if you expect failure, sadness, and to be treated like crap, your attitude will help turn that into reality. As an extra added bonus, your negativity and pessimism will suck every ounce of energy out of anyone who might be interested in making your life better. That helps keep you isolated, alone and miserable!


BONUS, BONUS, BONUS: Here’s the one-two punch that so many people use to really lock in that depression. Start by determining that your depression is entirely genetic. Then decide that because it’s genetic, there’s nothing you can do to make it better other than anti-depressants. Follow that up by getting upset when other people suggest that there are things you can do to help alleviate your depression that don’t involve popping Zoloft. Make sure to completely ignore the fact that even if you don’t have any kind of genetic problem, you’d still be depressed because you do most of the other things on this list. Then, if you’re really feeling sadistic, don’t take your anti-depressants consistently AND refuse to work on your depression any other way. That way, you can have the worst of both worlds!

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