Mark Zuckerberg Promises to Never Reveal Many, Many Horrible Secrets He Knows About Those Complaining About Privacy (Satire)

Mark Zuckerberg Promises to Never Reveal Many, Many Horrible Secrets He Knows About Those Complaining About Privacy (Satire)

Menlo Park, Calf. –– Google user Larry Perkins of Moab, Utah, has been making news with his spirited attacks on Facebook’s privacy policy. Over 44,000 Facebook users liked a viral post that read in part:

Do you really trust Mark Zuckerberg with every detail of your life? Who you talk to and who you don’t? What you click on and what you don’t? Every preference you have? It’s like 1984 except you see the faces of your own friends every day instead of having Big Brother Zuckerberg watching you from the shadows. Who knows? Maybe that’s next.

The post was so popular that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg publicly responded to what Perkins said. “I’m not sure that a guy who has been clicking on some of the things that Perkins has should have anything to say,” he said. “I mean, we here at Facebook really value your privacy, so I’d never mention any of it publicly, but it’s a topic of conversation around the water cooler at Facebook headquarters, I can tell you that.”

When reporters asked Zuckerberg about some of the privacy concerns Perkins brought up, he responded, “Does this guy really want to have that conversation? What does he think his manager, Tom Jenkins, and his district manager, Linda Evans, would say if they could see some of the things he said about where they work?” Zuckerberg added, “Also, our algorithm shows that Zhabib the mail guy there is just as unstable as Larry thinks he is and so we would never, never suggest that Zhabib join the ‘My crazy co-worker’ group and look at the thread called ‘I hope I’m not the first one he murders when he snaps’ from October of 2015.”

After another reporter asked Zuckerberg what the printed folder full of information that he kept looking at was, Facebook’s CEO replied, “Oh, it’s just a file with every detail about Larry Perkins — and I mean EVERY detail.  His address, phone number, email address, and credit card information.” And that’s not all, said Zuckerberg: “Every old girlfriend he’s been peeping at on Facebook. His three posts that have been flagged by Facebook monitors, including one about Muslims right after a terrorist attack that I found particularly tasteless. I mean, Facebook would never release any of this information because there’s nothing we care more about than our users’ privacy, but when I think of Larry’s wife Sarah and some of those direct messages from four years ago between Larry and his co-worker Tonya, let’s just say I almost want to put this information out there for her sake. Of course, I would never, ever do that.”

“Well, that’s all for now. I have another meeting to attend with our Facebook Privacy Taskforce because that’s what is most important to us,” he concluded.

As he left, Zuckerberg appeared to trip, dropped the folder with a loud “Oops, I’m so clumsy” and then quickly scampered off into a side hallway.

* This is satire. For now.

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