Government Motor’s New Car: The GM WeeKann

19 Apr, 2011 by Warner Todd Huston

Print this article Font size -16+

Since Barack Obama has taken over General Motors, the newly installed Obama-owned executives have come up with a way to save the floundering auto giant. They’ve come up with a new car model that they are absolutely sure will save the company.

This new car has not been designed by professionals but has been created by focus group and with close consultation with Obama’s friends in the green sector, the labor sector, and his other constituents.

So, without further ado here are the features of the new GM WeeKann…

We are told it was manufactured in America but we are never allowed to see the title. At least one of its most important parts comes from Kenya, though.
It is half the cost of all the other cars on the market today, but every month your payments will double no matter how much you owe or how much you’ve paid.
The salesman will tell you that the car has extra safety features other cars don’t, that it has a high end stereo system, that it has the best tires, and other great features. But he won’t show you the sticker and once you take possession of the car you’ll find out that all those “features” cost extra.
After you walk out of the dealership thinking you bought the car, it won’t get delivered for at least a year… but you’ll still be expected to pay the payments.
You’ll find out that a government official will tell you when you are allowed to drive it and for how long.
Every other day you will have to allow a person “less fortunate than you” drive your car. You will pay for the gas and the maintenance of the vehicle. If he wrecks it you will be responsible.
You will be told that if you like your car insurance company, you can keep it. But with each month your costs will double.
The car requires pampering. A weekly waxing, full cleaning and detailing. If you drive for an hour you have to pull over to the side of the road for a 15 minute break. Only the costliest gasoline will do for the WeeKann. If you don’t do all these things the car will stop working for at least a week. Also the car will not run on weekends or holidays. Unfortunately, even when it does work it drives slower than all the other cars on the road.
To drive the WeeKann you’ll need a driver’s license, gas license, a tire license, an environmental inspection, and you’ll have to pay several different taxes you weren’t told about.
Finally… If you complain you’ll be called a racist, homophobe, tea bagger.