John Edwards Pules About Suicide

If it were up to Democrats, ambulance-chasing con artist John Edwards (a.k.a. Silky Pony, a.k.a. the Breck Girl) would have been Vice President of the United States. Instead, he may soon find his way to where he belongs: prison. After living the high life on $zillions stolen from doctors through the bogus malpractice lawsuits his fellow Democrats facilitate in exchange for campaign kickbacks, Silky isn’t liking his future prospects:

Disgraced politician John Edwards is said to be deeply depressed — to the point of being suicidal — over the prospect of a criminal trial that could end with him being jailed if found guilty.

The 57-year-old former Presidential candidate reportedly told a close friend: ‘I won’t go to jail. I’d kill myself first!’

He has lost 20lb in the last year and is a ‘broken spirit,’ reports the National Enquirer.

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Friends report that the Breck Girl has been crying his eyes out and overindulging in alcohol in an attempt to escape his sordid reality. He could have spared himself from the blues had he been willing to wait until his wife had finished dying of cancer before sneaking off to start another family with the less than prepossessing Rielle Hunter. Attempts to cover up his shameful behavior with campaign money landed him in his current situation.

Let’s hope the stint in the pen doesn’t ruin his budding film career. Andrew Young, the creepy lackey who was paid to pretend to be the father of the Breck Girl’s love child, has gotten ahold of a sex tape:

Hunter is suing Mr Young for the return of the tape that reportedly [features] Mr Edwards performing sex acts on her.

Mr Young’s wife, Cheri, said on Oprah Winfrey’s show last year: ‘I won’t give any fine details, but I’ll tell you yes, he is naked.

‘He is performing sexual acts. The woman is holding the camera. He is aware he is being taped.’

According to the Wall Street Journal Mr Young has described the tape as like ‘watching a traffic pile-up occur in slow motion — repelling but also transfixing.’

The same could be said for watching Edwards crash and burn.

But you can’t blame the guy for blubbering. Only little people should go to prison when they break the law, not important personages like John Edwards.

Maybe this will cheer him up — a momento of happier times, when his weightiest concern was not letting the wind disturb his $1,250 haircuts:

On tips from Jeremy, Conservative Blogs Central, and Reaganite Republican. Cross-posted at Moonbattery.

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