Why This Conservative Wants To Be Like Al Gore

I have to admit it. I am jealous of former Vice President Al Gore. I want what he’s got, at least in a generalized way.

It isn’t that I envy him for having been vice president. The number two spot has traditionally been one not well regarded and only a few VPs have made the position an important one, if only in a fleeting way. Thomas Jefferson did some excellent work fashioning the procedure of the Senate while he was the veep, Nixon became an important part of Ike’s foreign policy team, and Dick Cheney became, well, Dick Cheney! But Al Gore was not in that class. He, like most other vps, was a seat warmer without much of import to his stint in the junior chair.

The office has been chided as “not worth a warm bucket of spit” (though I am fairly certain VP Garner said the “s” word and not spit), been called “the most insignificant office ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived” by John Adams, and at least one occupant of the office spawned such trenchant bits of philosophy as, “what this nation needs is a good 5-cent cigar.” (That last bit of philosophical legerdemain uttered by vp Thomas Marshal. In other words, the office has not been very consequential on its own merits.)

So, it isn’t Al’s rather pointless stint as VP that I admire. No it’s his almost universal acceptance as a man of great expertise because he once narrated a movie script. Not unlike how so many graying old TV news readers have been hailed as men of substance because they can read aloud with conviction, Al Gore has been hailed around the world because he can read and talk at the same time.


I mean, the guy didn’t need to waste all that time going to school, or put so much effort into learning a scientific expertise, or work hard becoming familiar with some arcane field of study. All he had to do was read someone’s script. And voila, he’s suddenly a world renowned “expert.”

Simply brilliant!

I have to say, I’ve done a few podcasts and once even had a bit part in a small independent film. So, heck, I have the qualifications to be a world wide expert about something or another. Without a doubt I can read and talk. I want those millions, I want that acclaim, I want that fame. I keep saying to myself, why not me?

But enough about me. I was also sitting here thinking about all the other people that should be considered experts because of their involvement in one thing or another.

Let’s take Tiger Woods. He should certainly be considered an expert on women these days, right? I mean he’s had enough experience and all.

Then there’s José Canseco. Why can’t he be a world celebrated “expert” on pharmacology? I think he qualifies for that as well as Al Gore does as a climate scientist, don’t you?

Hey, how about Bernie Madoff. Who could be better as an expert on investments? Madoff most certainly played an investor on TV!

Speaking of investing, I hear that actor Nick Cage has done a lot of that. Is he a money expert too? While we’re on Cage, he’s got a one two punch of expertise going. He sure knows how to put out a hit movie… and 20 or 30 real dogs. I don’t know what sort of expert that makes him but he’s gotta rank right up there as one of the most experty of experts, I’d say.

Anyway, there’s a raft of people that should be considered an “expert” in the same way that Al Gore is. But if anyone has seen more fame and fortune for essentially doing nothing to deserve it, I sure don’t know who it might be. Well, except maybe Paris Hilton. I guess Al Gore has as much expertise as Paris Hilton.

Let’s face it. It’s the American dream. Get rich for doing nothing. What could be more lucky?

Yep, I am jealous, big time.

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