Green as a Thistle, Nutty as a Fruitcake

If only the religion known as Environmentalism had a heaven, the impressively devout Vanessa of Green as a Thistle would qualify for entry if she really lives up to even half of her list of 366 green changes. Among her most preposterous techniques for saving the planet:

4. Switching to a recyclable toothbrush
17. Switching to recycled toilet paper
35. Switching to Eco-Dent floss
36. Only drinking fair-trade, organic, locally roasted coffee
42. Not buying any more petroleum-based bath poufs and loufas
47. No more using paper towels or hand-dryers in public bathrooms
48. Investing in permanent laser hair removal rather than shaving or waxing forever
50. Turning off my freezer
54. Changing to natural, paraben-free lip balm
62. Not buying any more Q-tips
64. Recycling my used wine corks through the Bag-a-Cork program
67. Turning my oven off for good
74. Following the “If it’s yellow, let it mellow…” rule
78. Unplugging my whole fridge
85. Switching to an all-natural acne ointment
87. No more take-out, unless I bring my own containers
96. Sleeping naked
98. Not having any more baths
101. Ordering smaller, more eco-friendly business cards
103. Only watering my plants with greywater
108. Limiting my use of elevators
113. No plastic barf bags or packages of Gravol when hungover
125. Keeping the light in the bathroom off each morning while showering and brushing my teeth
130. Using biodegradable pens
136. Not drinking anymore canned beverages
137. Not drinking anymore bottled beverages
140. Only drinking organic hard liquor
145. Eating food straight from the pot or pan
155. Using hand-held fans instead of electric ones
158. Only buying eco-friendly jewellery
162. No more gift cards unless they’re homemade from scrap paper
166. Putting a bottle of water in the toilet tank to reduce the amount used per flush
170. Not wearing a gown at the doctor’s office
183. Only buying used sports equipment
186. Grooming my cat more often to prevent hairballs (and thus use less paper towel and water to clean them up)
187. Buying alcohol in bulk (ie. kegs, 2L bottles of wine, etc)
191. Not using toilet paper for peeing
192. Natural bug extermination, ie. drowning fruit flies in wine or syrup
196. Decreasing the margins on my Word documents
200. Reusing envelopes
202. Eating only ethically raised and caught fish
203. Cutting the end off the toothpaste tube when it’s almost done to scrape the last little bit out
219. Only buying wooden hangers, preferably used [NO WIRE HANGERS! EVER!!!]
224. Getting cooking smells off my fingers with used green tea leaves rather than soap
239. Bringing my own reusable bib to the dentist’s
241. Eating my apple cores (and pear cores, etc) to waste less food
253. Drinking green tea instead of prescription drugs when having a nervous breakdown
257. Not using the fan in my bathroom
261. Reusing old floppy discs as coasters
263. Drinking straight from the bottle
266. Holding my hair up with a pen, chopstick or rubber band from my newspaper instead of buying more elastic bands or other hair accessories
279. Not using soap to wash my dishes unless there’s oil residue
285. No more downhill skiing (unless I carpool there, then haul my own ass up the hill)
289. Letting my dishes dry in the dishwasher rack with my houseplants beneath to collect the excess water dripping off
308. Not buying anymore plastic whatsoever
310. Using a soap dish made from reclaimed chopsticks
311. Collecting the elastic bands from my newspaper each morning and returning them to the delivery boy/girl
319. Going to an eco-conscious bike repair shop
323. Making fenders for my bike from old water bottles
326. Switching to an eco-conscious accountant for tax season
328. Commenting on other people’s decisions that aren’t very green, educating them about why it’s important to consider alternatives
358. Covering holes in the wall with pictures instead of buying plaster
361. Writing poetry in haiku form only
366. Sleeping more

In an earlier time, Vanessa would have lurched around in a hair shirt, haranguing passers-by about their sins. Yet there are hundreds of psychiatrically afflicted individuals in every major city who beat her whole list just by living as derelicts. If she keeps buying her organic hard liquor in bulk, drinking it from the bottle (even though she’s sworn off bottled beverages), and treating her nervous breakdowns with green tea, she’ll soon be ready to join them.

Vanessa, savior of polar bears.

On a tip from Air2air. Cross-posted at Moonbattery.

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