News Alert: Bald Eagles Arrested For Eating Endangered Species

Yesterday the State of California arrested several pairs of American Bald Eagles that researchers released into the wild near the Channel Islands. Authorities charged the birds with conspiracy to kill endangered island foxes and rare seabirds for purposes of eating them.

The state’s case was built on the research of Seth D. Newsome, a researcher with the department of zoology and physiology at the University of Wyoming, who determined that the Bald Eagles could begin eating the endangered animals should the availability of the bird’s regular fish-based diet change.

Environmentalists celebrated the arrests saying that if the Bald Eagles refused to abide by federal endangered species laws, then the birds have abdicated their own protected status.

B.T. Inski, a representative of the Sierra Club, issued a statement to the press praising the arrests of the birds. “These Bald Eagles need to be held accountable,” Inski said, “and this action is the proper one. Who do these lawbreaking birds think they are, anyway? If we are going to have viable endangered species laws we need everyone to stop acting like wild animals around here.”

Greenpeace also issued a statement celebrating the case against the birds. “No one is above the law,” the Greenpeace release reads, “so these arrests are the right course. Besides, the Bald Eagle has had a bad reputation ever since it became a symbol for the most evil nation on Earth.”

Senator Barbara had an altercation over the arrests on the floor of the House of Representatives when animal rights activists representing the eagles confronted her over her support of the arrests.

“But, Ma’am,” said Melvin McWeenie, “These animals have a right to eat what ever they want.”

“Please don’t call me Ma’am,” Boxer retorted. “I’ve worked very hard to become a real live Senator and I’ve been an animal supporter since I found out how much good press it could give me. I mean, even animals need to abide by the laws and we have a federal law against abusing and killing these wolves and stuff in the Channel Islands.”

Lawyers for America’s wolf community announced that they were looking into filing a lawsuit against Boxer for slandering them. In response to that Boxer’s office later issued a correction stating that she understood that it was foxes that were in question not wolves and that it was just a slip of the tongue.

Animal rights lawyers representing the Island Foxes promptly announced they were suing both the Bald Eagles and Boxer over the incident claiming material harm to their reputation and safety.

No word if lawyers representing the plants of the Island were considering any actions.

**Editor’s note… this is what will happen if we give animals “rights.”

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