Cats or Dogs. Which are the Better Pets?

John Hawkins

Cats and Dogs? My God, do we even have to compare the two? OBVIOUSLY, dogs are better. EVERYONE knows that. Let’s go over the reasons why.

Cat owner’s = evil, Dog owners = good:: Some well known cat owners include Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, Mike Tyson and Martha Stewart. See, cat owners are B@STARDS!!! Well known dog owners? None other than Mother Theresa, Billy Graham, Martin Luther King, and even Jesus! Yes, even Jesus, son of God. How can you not like dogs better than cats when Jesus had one? What are you, SOME KIND OF HEATHEN!?!

Dogs defend people:: Have you heard of guard dogs? Don’t you feel safer with a dog in the home? Even little dogs bark if someone tries to break in to give you a warning. Dogs = safety. What about cats? Did you ever see that Stephen King movie, “Cat’s Eye”? In it, some people say cats steal people’s breath. Is that what you want? To be sleeping and have some F#$%^#* cat STEAL YOUR BREATH!?! If so you deserve what you get!! What about man eating tigers? Have you heard of them? Do you want to be eaten by some f#$%!*^ species of cat? What are you, stupid???? Is that the type of behavior you want to reward in an animal?

Cats and dogs on TV:: Let’s say you are stuck in the woods. Your leg is caught in a bear trap. You’re trapped. It’s getting dark. No one knows where you are. Wouldn’t you want to have a dependable border collie like Lassie getting you help? Here’s an animal that has hundreds of episodes worth of lifesaving experience. Basically all he did ever week was get his stupid owner Timmy out of jams. This is like a day at the beach for Lassie. Or would you rather have Morris the cat help you? Yeah, big help he’d be. “Morris help me, my leg is in a bear trap. Help!” Here’s Morris’s response “Meow, meow, meow, meow.” Translation “I’m a stupid cat who doesn’t really understand what you’re saying. Feed me and then I’ll wander away and leave you to die! Then I’ll come back and eat you after you’re dead. I’ve always wanted to see what you tasted like.” IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??!?!?! TO HAVE YOUR ROTTING CARCASS EATEN BY YOUR PET?!?! THEN GET A CAT!!! BUT DON’T BLAME ME WHEN YOU DIE TRYING TO CHEW YOUR OWN LEG OFF TO GET OUT OF A BEAR TRAP!!!

Dogs are known as “Man’s Best Friend”:: Do you know how long and hard they had to work to earn that title? There have literally been millions of species of animals, birds, insects, etc and yet dogs got the nod out of all of them. That’s right, while cats were peeing on people’s rugs, scratching up their furniture, and ignoring people when they call them dogs were working overtime. They were fetching papers, acting happy to see their masters, and wagging their tails every time someone even LOOKED in their directions. What about rewarding hard work? What about rewarding effort? Not picking dogs after all that work is just wrong! They’ve earned it!

So would you rather have a loyal, caring pet, an animal that has worked for more than 2 millenia to earn the title of man’s best friend? Or on the other hand would you rather have a BREATH STEALING, ALMOST WILD ANIMAL THAT WOULD EAT YOU ALIVE IF IT COULD? For the love of God, CHOOSE DOGS!!!

Thank you for your time…

Scarloc DB’s Rebuttal

OK, it’s obvious you were under the influence of something when you wrote this, so I’ll help you out. First, Cats are better. Way better than dogs. I will show you why.

Cat Owners aren’t evil, they are powerful. They have the balls to go out and do what they want, no matter who says what, and they are not under control by their cats… really…

Cats defend people, if they are worthy. I’d much rather have a lion guarding my house than a stupid dog. A dog will guard anybody who gives it a piece of food. A lion would only guard the elite people, such as myself, which is great for everybody.

Also, only a dog owner would be stupid enough to get caught in a bear trap in the first place, so I wouldn’t have to worry about it. A cat owner would say, ‘hey, there is a big metal trap on the ground, I don’t think I’ll step on it, I’ll leave it for a stupid dog owner’.

Dogs are known as “Man’s Best Friend”: Dogs just know they are stupid, so they have to do all that extra, and unrespected work to get people to like them, kinda like strippers. If dogs acted like cats, they would all be destroyed, cats get to do what they want because they are so great.

So now we know that cats are much cleaner, smarter, faster, softer, and just plain better than a stupid dog. So go grab your dog and pitch it out the window, then go find a cat, you’ll be much happier…

John Hawkins’s Rebuttal

Well, well, well… I write a well thought out, rational, logical argument that Mr. Spock himself would give the Vulcan seal of approval to. I gave proof positive that Dogs were far superior to cats as pets. My case was so airtight that it was beyond refutation. Then Scarloc DB comes out with an emotional, illogical, counter argument about cats that was so ridiculous that it was the type of thing I would expect to hear from someone on Jerry Springer as they argue why it was ok to do a threesome with their mother and grandmother.

First of all Scarloc talks about using Lions as guard dogs. Lions? As guard dogs? First of all male lions sleep something like 18 hours a day. So obviously they blow at guarding anything other than whatever spot they happen to be lying on when they fall asleep. Furthermore, have you ever seen Ghost in the Darkness? Is that what you want?!? Some Devil Lion running thru your house planning on the best spot to ambush you so he can kill you, eat you, and then fall asleep on top of your half eaten corpse? God, cat owners are just dumb =(

Then Scarloc talks about how only “dog owners would be stupid enough to get caught in a bear trap”. Oh yeah, like a cat owner is ever out in the woods or doing anything but sitting at home obsessing over their stupid cats. You have no idea how annoying getting messages from cat owners on ICQ. Here are some sample messages “Oh my God, kitty just pulled over a bookshelf and broke a whole set of China! How cute.” or “Oh look, my cat is peeing on my keyboard, scratching my hand and trying to bite my nose all at the same time. Isn’t that hilarious?” In short, cat owners are obviously insane shut-ins who are so desperate for any contact with a living creature that they even find cats amusing. They are totally unlike dog owners who are outgoing, active people, such as Britney Spears, Tae-Bo expert Billy Blanks, and famous rock musician and hunter Ted Nugent. These people are out in the world, hunting, walking their dogs in the park, making music videos, and meeting people as compared to cat owners who are trying to find the best type of tape to use of get cat hair off of their sweaters.

Then Scarloc compares dogs to strippers and basically admits cats are annoying but he likes them better anyway. That reminds of the dumb@ss girls I knew in high school. “My boyfriend treats me so bad, he cheats on me, he puts me down in front of his friends” So I’d be like “So dump them and move on….like duh. There’s like 50 guys who want to go out with you.?” Then they’d say “No I can’t, I love him anyway even though he treats me bad.” Then I’d think, “God what a stupid ho” and I’d pretend to sympathize while complimenting her and trying to work my way into her confidence so eventually I’d be able to nail her on the rebound and…wait a second where was I going with this? Oh yah..just remember cat owners are stupid and don’t value loyal animals like dogs who actually try to get along with people. They are like those dumb girls in high school who fall in love with guys who treat them badly. Why have a pet that treats you like trash when you can have a dog that is all about loyalty, affection, and fetching your slippers?

Last but not least, let me put it this way, I have a BA in psychology (really). I know the human mind like few other people out there. Liking cats tells me a lot about you as a person. It tells me that much like Charlie Manson, you are a psychotic/schizophrenic sociopath who will probably end up ordering the death of a famous celebrity if not doing it yourself and eating the corpse much like Jeffrey Dahmer. Of course, you cat owners don’t understand or believe that because you are living in a delusional fantasy world where the CIA is sending signals directly into your brain with radio waves and only your cat can save you. Well, take it from a psychology major, dogs and prozak ownz your bones! Trust me…get rid of the cat and get a dog before you end living on a corner, pushing a shopping cart, and mumbling to yourself about the aliens trying to steal your brilliant new design for a time machine.

Scarloc DB Counters

*Sigh* I thought John Hawkins was off all the drugs, but it appears not. So once again I will have to humiliate and shame him, like a dog owner deserves. Take note that this is not his fault, he must use all those drugs to not kill himself for liking dogs… maybe a slight case of redneck syndrome… in any case, I’m here to help.

First off, a lion would be a great guard CAT. Think about it. You could have a little yapping dog, that just annoys a robber, or a lion that would scare the pants off him just by yawning. Which would you rather have. Plus if you ever had to get rid of a body in a hurry, just give it to your nice lion. He’ll take care of it for you. A dog would just try to bury it in your front yard, and get you caught. Also, Lions would only eat dog lovers, and those people in Ghost in the Dark probably were… Lions would never eat the elite people such as myself.

Cat owners have no need to go running around in the forest. There is nothing there but trees and dog owners, both of which I have no interest in, and like all rednecks, should only be viewed from a fast moving vehicle.

Britney Spears… please….

I did not state anywhere that cats are annoying. It is dogs that are annoying. Barking, drooling, making a mess, eating their own vomit… Kindalike their owners… Yeah, like strippers, they are fine to look at, but you don’t want them touching you, because just like dogs, you don’t know where they have been.

Last but not least, only a dog owner would waste their time getting a useless thing like a BA in psychology. They try to figure out cat owners mind, but they are much to complex for their small, dog-like minds can handle. They will never be able to figure out when we elite cat owners will take over the world in this way. They could not stop us anyway, as they will get caught in all the bear traps we’ve put down. So anyway, all us cat owners need to show our support for John, as he is having a crisis right now, so e-mail him and tell him to smarten up, get outta the back of the pick-up truck, put down that can of captain John’s redneck brew, shoot that damn dog, and move up to our level…