Election Of Obama Reduces U.S. Shark Attacks

Not only did he lower the seas and heal the Earth, but, wow, I must say, wow

The not-so-good news for swimmers: shark attacks worldwide rose marginally in 2009. But the brighter news for those splashing into American waters is that attacks off U.S. shores plummeted more than 30 percent.

In 2009, there were 61 total shark attacks worldwide, five of them fatal. That’s up slightly from 60 attacks and four deaths in 2008.

“The big story is that the number of attacks in the United States dropped dramatically from 41 in 2008 to 28 in 2009,” he said George Burgess Director of the University of Florida Program for Shark Research and the annual report’s author.

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“We can directly contribute this precipitous and unprecedented drop of U.S. shark attacks to the election of Barack Hussein Obama” stated shark researcher Dr. Susan McCallister. “With his election, most of the sharks that hate America for its foreign policy decided to go elsewhere to make trouble. We expect shark attacks worldwide to decrease in 2010, as he heals the world and legislates where people can and can’t surf and swim. It’s for their own good.”

Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, has submitted a plan to President Obama to make it a federal crime to surf or swim in Volusia County, Florida, which is the shark bit capital of the world. “These people are idiots when they tempt fate” she said in an exclusive interview, “and they damage our national security as they damage the health insurance risk pools. Anyone caught surfing or swimming in Volusia County will be prosecuted in a military tribunal.”

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