John Hawkins’s Guide to Child Care Age 2 months – 1 Years

If you missed “John Hawkins’s Guide to Child Care: The First Two Months”, you can read it: here. This is part two of the series.

So your baby survived it’s first two months of life and you’re wondering what to do now? Well trust came to the right place. For example, did you know that you should not strap your children into a car, push them into a lake, and then claim you were carjacked? Sounds pretty obvious right? Well Susan Smith had no idea this would be a problem. Now she’s giving fat prison guards bj’s for an extra apple with lunch and trying to count the cracks in the ceiling of her cell to pass the next 30 years. Do you want that to happen to you? Do you? Ok..then pay attention!

The average young child is lazy yet stupid. They spend their days making in their diapers and their nights screaming for attention. In the between time they spit up and throw as much food as possible at any moving objects. They have many intriguing hobbies as slobbering, chewing on things they find in the floor, and staring blankly at sparkling objects for hours on end.

So what do you do with these little bundles of joy? Toss them on the fire? Drop them in the fishtank? Abandon them in the woods and hope a friendly tribe of apes will adopt them so that your little boy will one day become “Hiram, King of the Apes.” WRONG (although the King of the Apes thing is kind of cool). You place your child in a cage (some people call these things cribs). Make sure your baby has plenty of space, wood shavings to sleep on, and it’s very important to make sure your baby has plenty of water. I’d say that one of those hamster bottles should do the trick.

Now your child may get bored crawling around his cage so he’ll obviously need something to do. So get yourself a pet to help pass the time. Imagine how the other children will envy your child when they find out he shares his cage with his own pet timber wolf. Or what about a Boa Constrictor?

Unfortunately you can’t keep your child in his cage all the time. You see babies are so idiotic that they can’t go to the toilet, dress themselves, or even open a jar of baby food and feed themselves. That’s why educating your baby is so important. Set your baby in front of a computer and see which webpages they go to, play trivial pursuit with them, and ask them their opinions on the important political issues of the day. If your baby seems to understand what you’re saying, congratulations, you have a normal child. If they sit there drooling, too ignorant to understand what they’re seeing, your child is a hopeless ignoramus who will spend his life working at a job with his name on his uniform.

I hope this has helped a lot of the new parents out there. Oh and one last thing. Please stop shoving your dopey, little bundles of ugly in my face when I’m out on the street. Once you’ve seen any one gargantuan headed, drooling, puke factory, you’ve seen them all. In fact, can I suggest replacing that stroller with a burlap sack? In keeps your baby out of the sun, it’s easier to carry, and babies are such a bunch of rattle brained 1/2 monkeys that they probably wouldn’t know the difference anyway.

Yours Truly

John Hawkins

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