The Brass Knuckles Webzine Guide to Rainforests

01 Jan, 2012 by John Hawkins

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Rainforests as everyone knows are hot, steamy, jungles located in faraway lands such as the Sahara desert, at the top of Mt. Everest and of course in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. The rain forests are full of prehistoric dinosaurs that eat anyone who ventures too close to the jungle. That is why we don’t have a lot of information on them.

Everything we do know about the rainforest leads us to believe that it should immediately be chopped down and sold piecemeal to Western nations. By eliminating the rainforest we are saving the world from the threat of crocodiles, headhunters, dinosaurs, and various well known forms of flying piranha.

Many people known as “environmental whackos” want us to save the rainforest. I guess the question is, save it for what? The natives? They are surely excited that the mosquito filled death traps they’ve been living in will soon be replaced with Walmarts, Mcdonalds, and lots of new parking lots. Some of the looney environmental fringe claim that the animals in the jungle will die if we tear down their habitats. Hey, if the yetis and unicorns that live in rain forest can’t live on the refuse they find in the Walmart parking lots then too bad. That’s called Darwinism. If you don’t like it, take it up with Darwin…oh wait, he’s dead so it’s too late to change his ism or law or whatever the Hell it is…Bwahahahahahahhaha.

Furthermore, many people have also claimed that up to 50% of the species on Earth are currently living in the rain forest and have not been discovered by man so SWEET MOTHER OF GOD HOW CAN WE TEAR DOWN THE RAIN FOREST? That is sort of argument I would expect from a retarded monkey.

First of all if we haven’t discovered these animals by now, do you think we’re ever going to discover them? People have more important things to do nowadays than discover new species of animals. I mean maybe 100 years ago when they didn’t even have computers, clothes, or books people were happy to galavant through a glorified swamp with trees looking for new species of animals but in today’s world? Give me a break.

Plus, have you ever considered that perhaps there is a species of animals that will one day destroy us all if they are allowed to grow and thrive in the rain forest? Sure it sounds nice to say “save the rain forest” but you won’t sound so smart when intelligent mantis people from the rain forests are invading your house and eating your children with larval jelly. If we want to assure the future of man our only choice is to saw down the rainforests, destroy every building, and then sow the Earth with salt! Oh wait…that’s my China spiel although strangely enough it also applies perfectly to the rain forests…well except for the buildings part. Also since we’re talking about the rain forest, monkeys should somehow be involved…hmmmm (note to self, fix this in 2nd draft unless I get lazy and really into the latest episode of WWF Raw).

So in conclusion I think it’s obvious that the only prudent choice is to cut down the rain forests before its too late for humanity. Anyone who opposes cutting down the rain forests is obviously against children, capitalism, safe automobiles, and is probably a closet Nazi. I mean what sort of person would want part of our precious mother Earth covered with a green, insect infested, hellhole when we could have nice, safe, clean, oil wells drilling there instead? So if you want to be a good citizen of the world, write your congressman now and ask…nay…demand that they cut down those rain forests before it’s too late!!!