The Peacenik’s Guide To Arresting Terrorists in Afghanistan

A Message from Pacifists United (for) Safety, Security, Inclusion, Equality, and Solidarity…

Like Ghandi said, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind! That’s why we can’t go to war with Afghanistan. It’ll create a never ending cycle of violence. So we here at Pacifists United (for) Safety, Security, Inclusion, Equality, and Solidarity have come up with a plan to get into Afghanistan, get Bin Laden and shut down Al Qaida WITHOUT resorting to violence.

First of all this is obviously a police matter, not a matter for the military. So we should of started by negotiating with the Taliban. Sure we negotiated with them to get Bin Laden for the last 5 years but did we do it the right way? I’d suggest offering them 20 billion dollars a year for the next 20 years, new military technology, and a NFL franchise. Even if they refuse to give over Bin Laden, we should still give them everything we offered just to show that we’re nice people.

However, even if the Taliban refuse to hand over Bin Laden, justice must be served! Therefore we’d suggest dropping the NYC police department into the hills of Afghanistan. Their job would be to go cave to cave in Afghanistan and flush out Bin Laden and his men! But we must protect the rights of people in Afghanistan so we’ve come up with some ground rules the police MUST follow!

1) The police will only be given stun guns so we don’t have to worry them oppressing anybody because they feel like big men with guns.

2) If the police encounter resistance they’ll need to clearly explain what their purpose is and how they don’t want to trample anyone’s rights.

3) Of course it’s always possible that some of the terrorists around Osama Bin Laden may actually shoot at the police. The enlightened among us recognize that many of these people didn’t have very good childhoods. Some of them grew up poor and who can blame them for hating the US? So emptying an automatic weapon at our officers isn’t really an attack, it’s a cry for help. If the police are fired at, they are then authorized to offer a year of voluntary psychological treatment at a medical facility of the terrorists choice as well as a full pardon for any crime committed if they complete the program!

4) Of course, some people are in so much pain that they may feel compelled to continue shooting automatic weapons, mortars, and perhaps even bazookas at the officers. While we certainly respect the terrorists boundaries, we must also consider the safety of the officers. So officers do have an option to dodge the live fire on them, run up to the terrorists, and hit them with the stun guns.

5) Once we have the terrorists in custody we should show them that we’re nice people. We should take them to the nearest Sheraton hotel in Afghanistan and allow them to get room service. Then our officers should sit down and break bread with them. It’s very important at this point for us to listen to their side of things. After all, these terrorists may have a lot of wisdom and a new multicultural perspective that we can learn a lot from.

6) After this is over we should turn the terrorists over to the Taliban and let them be judged in a Taliban run court of law. Many people have said that the Taliban would simply hold a kangaroo court and immediately release Bin Laden and the other terrorists. That is true but is it so bad? We Americans have a bad habit of looking at everything through our own cultural lens. Perhaps we should just let Afghanistan handle this issue as they see fit instead getting all “heavy” with them.

As you can see, we pacifists do have real solutions to the issues that face us. If you’d like to join us, feel free to head to the Charlotte, NC VFW on Morehead street every Wednesday night at 8:00. We have tea, tofu, and vegetarian chilli! Bob and Tom would be glad to have a 4th member of the team!


Craig Featherstone, President of Pacifists United (for) Safety, Security, Inclusion, Equality, and Solidarity.

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