US Government Press Release: Rumor Control on Europe

There have been some rumors floating around about why the US is redesigning our military and building a nuclear missile defense that the United States government has felt compelled to address.

First of all, we certainly aren’t upgrading our military because of a surprise attack we’re doing on Europe next year! That’s definitely not the reason!!

Oh and those big military exercises we’re doing off the coast of France next year? NOTHING to worry about. Everyone knows we love the..we love the..Oh God I can’t bring myself to say we love the French. D@mn the French, d@mn them to HELL!!!!!

Furthermore if it looks like we’re quadrupling our men in all of our bases and embassies in Europe…we’re really not, it just SEEMS like we are.

Also, some people have said the American military has been referring to Britain as “staging ground Alpha”. Well that’s not true at all. We have the highest respect for the people of staging gro..I mean Britain and would never even dream that they’d partner up with us in a sneak attack on the rest of Europe next year.

Moreover, Europe’s powerful socio-weenie army would be a strong deterrent even if we were aggressively inclined. It’s well known that Europe would easily be a match militarily for many of the world’s mighty powers like Nigeria, Thailand, or even Israel (assuming Israel was only allowed to use bows and arrows).

We value all of our strategic partners in Europe and we would never dream of brutally crushing all of them in our iron fist!!!! So there’s definitely nothing to worry about (although if France wants to go ahead and make it national policy to immediately, unconditionally, surrender if attacked by Americans, we’d fully understand.)

Prepare for an @ss whipping…uh that was a poor choice of words…let’s try forever yours in friendship….

The US Government

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