The 20 Biggest Stories of 2009

20) Michael Jackson Dies: A weird reclusive pop star who was way, way, way too interested in young boys kicked the bucket under strange circumstances. Despite the fact that his last concert tour was in 1996, people went crazy.

19) Barack Obama Wins a Peace Prize for Nothing: Obama was given a Peace Prize not because he earned it, but because the Nobel Committee thought he was such a wonderful fellow with great potential. In other news, look for Barack Obama to be given the Heisman Trophy and preemptively declared the new Ultimate Fighting Champion based on what he may do next year.

18) AIG bonuses: Congress and the Treasury Department were aware AIG was getting hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses despite receiving 170 billion in bailout funds, but when the public found out, everyone pretended to be shocked, shocked I tell you, that these bonuses were being paid out.

17) Swine Flu: Swine flu is just like regular flu, except it sounds much cooler to say you had Swine Flu…oh, and there’s a chance it could mutate and kill tens of millions of people.

16) Sarah Palin Quits as Governor of Alaska: Sarahcuda got tired of putting her family behind the 8-ball to fend off frivolous ethics charges and decided to hammer the Democratic Party and make millions writing a book instead.

15) Pimping Ain’t Easy for ACORN: Who would have thought that a couple of kids, Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe, could have dressed up in ridiculous costumes and done the best reporting since Woodward and Bernstein by proving ACORN offices across multiple cities were ready, willing, and able to help a pimp and a ho set up a child prostitution ring?

14) The Fort Hood Shooting: Despite having done almost everything short of running a blog called “I Am Going To Murder Soldiers in the Name of Allah,” Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan was given a pass for his violent, radical Islamic beliefs. As a result of the military’s politically correct refusal to deal with Hasan, 13 soldiers were shot to death at Ford Hood.

13) Beergate: Usually Obama allows his supporters to play the race card for him, but after his pal Henry Louis Gates was arrested for making a complete jackass of himself, Obama took his side. Despite admitting that he didn’t know the facts, Obama said the police acted stupidly and implied that they were racists. As you’d imagine, this went over very poorly, after which Obama got everyone together for a beer to try to contain the damage.

12) Prop 8: Even in a state as liberal as California, gay marriage wasn’t supported by the voters. This produced a spate of thuggish behavior from the shrill and vindictive gay activists in the state after the results of Prop 8 were upheld in the courts. That undoubtedly made gay marriage even less appealing across the country.

11) Revolution in Iran? The terrorist-supporting, America-hating, nuke-making religious crazies who run Iran have been barely fending off revolution all year. Too bad it’s so hard to get the mainstream media and our President interested.

10) Mark Sanford goes down the “Appalachian Trail:” One day Mark Sanford was looking like a legitimate contender for President in 2012 and the next, he was on TV blubbering about a woman who was his soulmate — and that woman wasn’t his wife.

9) Barack Obama becomes President: On the one hand, it’s remarkable that a country that once had slavery now has a black President. On the other hand, I’m not sure that’s a positive overall when that man could already be fairly called one of the worst Presidents in American history after just a year in office.

8) The Tea Party Movement: It’s not all filthy hippies in the streets anymore. Things have gotten so bad that decent people, with jobs, are now getting together to protest the corruption, growth of government, and out-of-control spending in D.C.

7) The Christmas Day Pants Bomber: Despite being amply warned that he was a danger, the government did nothing of significance to prevent Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab from getting aboard a plane with explosives. The response to this from the Obama Administration? “The system worked.”

6) The failure of the Stimulus: The Democrats spent 1.2 trillion dollars, more than the race to the moon, Louisiana Purchase, and Marshall Plan cost all combined, on a bill that doesn’t seem to have been significantly better than doing nothing.

5) GM and Chrysler Taken Over by the Government: In a move that would seem more appropriate for a nation like Cuba than the United States, GM and Chrysler were taken over by the government after which, Chrysler was handed over to Obama’s union allies on a silver platter. For the first time, which American car you buy is truly a decision with political implications.

4) The Deficit Explodes: The deficit rocketed upwards at the fastest rate since WWII and the country is projected to remain deeply in the red for as far as the eye can see. How big are the deficits? Obama is spending more than the previous 42 Presidents combined — and he ain’t done yet.

3) The Jobless Rate Cracks 10%: A combination of a lousy economy and businesses that were terrified of the Obama Administration’s rapid march towards socialism produced the single worst year for job losses since World War II.

2) Climategate: An absolutely devastating series of emails from scientists at the Hadley Climatic Research Unit was released. It revealed that behind-the-scenes scientists were admitting that the globe has been cooling over the last decade, manipulating climate data to “hide the decline,” conspiring to prevent their data from being made public, and trying to prevent opposing views from being published. In other words, if the idea of manmade global warming was Bill Clinton, Climategate was Monica Lewinsky’s stained blue dress.

1) Obamacare Passes the House and Senate: Despite apocalyptic poll numbers for the bill, Democrats slammed socialized medicine through both the House and Senate. The final bill hasn’t been approved yet, but a bill that will lead to rationing, tax increases, publicly funded abortion, and a tremendous decrease in the quality of medical care seems poised to make it through Congress while many of the Democrats who vote for it seem to be poised to make their way out of Congress in November of this year.

* Hawkins’ Note: The original article was amended slightly because the ACORN scandal was left off of the list.

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