Arnold Gropes For Words To Diminish Furor By Scott Ott

California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger today groped for words to diminish the furor over allegations of unwelcome sexual contact and his past praise of Adolph Hitler.

“I don’t remember saying or doing any of these things,” said Mr. Schwarzenegger. “But I’m not the kind of person that my past words and actions would seem to indicate. In any case, I’m the only Republican candidate who can win, so don’t let your conscience get in the way of doing the right thing for the party.”

The famous actor questioned the timing of the recent accusations.

“Why does this come out now?” he asked rhetorically. “I have been groping women for 30 years. Those ‘Hitler’ remarks were made 30 years ago. The timing seems suspicious. I would have to question the morality of my opponents for using this last-minute smear technique.”

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