Dan Rather Most Trusted To Forge Document, Poll Says By Matt Myford

20 Sep, 2004 by John Hawkins

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CBS news anchor Dan Rather is America’s most trusted news anchor to forge documents or assist in forgery, according to a new poll.

The survey, conducted by independent researchers, concluded the American people “overwhelmingly” approve Rather’s forgery skills over his two main counterparts, ABC anchor Peter Jennings and NBC anchor Tom Brokaw.

Poll results showed 82% preferred Rather to “assist in forgery,” compared to just 11% for Jennings and 7% for Brokaw.

“Danny Boy at least tried to forge,” said one anonymous survey participant, referring to Rather’s rather shady activity in President Bush’s disputed National Guard records. “Brokaw probably wouldn’t even attempt it, and Pete lacks Dan’s gravitas in such matters. Pete seems too…honest for forgery.”

CBS released a statement that said, “When it comes to honesty and integrity in forgery, the American people trust Dan Rather.”

Poll researchers stressed that the results don’t portray Rather as “America’s Most Trusted News Anchor,” but “The Guy 82% Of American News Junkies Picked To Forge Documents.”

“A slight difference between those titles, don’t you think,” one researcher said.

Researchers also warned that Rather shouldn’t be trusted in delivering the news, based on a report yesterday in which Rather said, “Hurricane Isaac pounded the Pacific coast of Idaho for the third straight day.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Matt Myford, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.