Dean: Democrats Must Pass Torch To New Generation Of Losers By Andy Borowitz

12 Jan, 2005 by John Hawkins

Print this article Font size -16+

Promises Fresh Approach to Defeat as DNC Head Former Vermont Governor

Howard Dean today announced his candidacy for the chairmanship of the Democratic National Committee, proclaiming, “It is time for the Democrats to pass the torch to a new generation of losers.”

Mr. Dean made his announcement in Burlington, Vermont to a crowd of supporters and well-wishers, many of whom were instrumental in helping him lose in 2004.

“As Democrats, we cannot afford to continue with our old ways of losing,” he said. “We must find new ways of losing.”

Promising “a fresh approach to defeat,” Mr. Dean told his audience, “In the past, we have lost by being boring and uncharismatic, but I believe we must lose by being crazy and wild-eyed.”

But just hours after his speech, Mr. Dean received a sharp rebuke from two of the Democratic Party establishment’s most prominent losers, former Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis and former Vice President Walter Mondale.

“So, Howard says he has all kinds of new-fangled ways to lose,” said a skeptical Mr. Mondale. “What I’d like to know is, ‘where’s the beef’?”

“Say what you will about being boring and uncharismatic, but it certainly helped me lose in 1988,” Mr. Dukakis added.

Political science professor Jude Krenzel of the University of Minnesota says he is not surprised that the race for DNC chair has grown so heated: “It’s pretty much the only office that a Democrat has a shot at winning.”

Elsewhere, experts said that if a toxic train wreck occurred in Washington, D.C. it would look a lot like the Department of Homeland Security.

Satire used with permission of Andy Borowitz of the Borowitz Report. You can read more of his work by clicking here.