Frank Advice for McCain at CPAC

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but some conservatives have a problem with John McCain. It’s not just that he goes against conservatives on some big issues, that he seems to act like the only reason we’d disagree with him on those issues is because we’re too stupid to see him for the straight-talking god among men he is.

This means he’s going to have some major work to do at CPAC to get conservative support. Luckily, I, Frank J., am still a party man and have some advice for the presumptive Republican nominee. Being the true conservative he is, I’m sure he’s reading Right Wing News so I’ll address these directly to him.


* One word: Yubitsume. It’s a Japanese ritual of cutting off a part of your pinky finger in an act of apology. Will seem sincere.

* Punch Mike Huckabee in the nuts. It’s just like schoolyard rules: If you’re getting picked on, pick on the even more hated kid to deflect. So, if people are calling you a RINO, start bashing the even bigger RINO. Should work like a charm (though it may cause more troubles with evangelicals).

* Resist urge to urinate on the crowd. Standing above so many conservatives, I know it will be hard for you to not just unzip your fly and piss all over them, but you’ll have to try. It may seem right and natural to you do so, but it won’t go over well.

* Kill a Mexican drug smuggler. This one would have needed some prep time, but it would be nice to demonstrate you’re serious about the border by videotaping you coldly killing a Mexican drug smuggler trying to sneak across the border. Bonus points for mailing the body back the Mexican government postage due (does Mexico have a functional government?).

* Call for a bombing run on Berkeley until they admit the military is awesome. Conservatives would like a nice local war. Plus, if in the end we decide to pull out of Berkeley and never go back, that’s cool too.

* Hand out free candy. Pretty self-explanatory. Conservatives will say, “McCain may be against us on many issues, but he’s the only candidate who gave me candy!”

* Declare you will fund the creation of a giant robot to fight for America’s interests. I’m not quite sure how that’s a conservative issue, but it seems like one. BTW, the robot should have red glowing eyes.

* Vow to create more global warming. See, here’s a great compromise. You believe in man made global warming, but that doesn’t mean you have to take a liberal position on it. Say warming is awesome and call for more of it. It will be an especially popular position this winter.

* State that Fred Thompson will be your VP and vow not to live long. That would be awesome. I bet it would get a standing ovation at CPAC.

* If all else fails, dance a happy little jig. It’s hard to be mad at someone who is dancing a happy little jig. This technique has gotten me out of a lot of trouble.

Frank J. blogs at IMAO. He is very smart.

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