Greenpeace Claims Extinction Looms For Smurfs By Charlie Van Horn

21 Jul, 2004 by John Hawkins

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Smurfs, the small blue creatures with a love for white hats and trousers are nearing extinction due to poaching.

“We are trying to keep the last few we have in captivity healthy so that if another female is found we can save the species” said Greenpeace spokesperson Bob Gueterbock.

Wildlife researchers estimate that only one in one-hundred smurfs are born female.

“They are really easy to spot” says Gueterbock, “They are the ones wearing the skirt and blond hair”

Smurfs are hunted in parts of Europe under the belief that they can be turned into gold. The EU banned the sale of Smurfs in 1967, however, the ‘three apple tall’ creatures can still be found on the black market or on Ebay.

In 1997 an infamous poacher, known by his code-name of Gargamel, was arrested at Charles De Gaul Airport attempting to smuggle thirteen of the deceased mushroom dwelling creatures in his pants. One of those was the last known female, named by scientists ‘Smurfette’.

This is Greenpeaces’ “Save the Smurf Week”, a festival in Pirlouit featuring Smurf items, costumes, and habitat preservation workshops.

“Smurfs are important barometers of the environment” said Gueterbock, “They tell us how healthy the soil is, much like how the Snorks are used to monitor the pollution in the ocean”.

If you enjoyed this satire by Charlie Van Horn, you can read more of his work at The Spoof.