I Could Make Everyone Fat Today If I Wanted To

Turns out, everyone is fat, myself included, or nearly everyone is fat, and will for sure be fat in forty years. Women and minorities are hardest hit. A scientist says so, and I believe scientists implicitly because scientists use the scientific method therefore making them scientific:

The new projections, published in the journal Obesity, are based on government survey data collected between the 1970s and 2004.

If the trends of those years continue, the researchers estimate that 86 percent of American adults will be overweight by 2030, with an obesity rate of 51 percent. By 2048, all U.S. adults could be at least mildly overweight.

Weight problems will be most acute among African-Americans and Mexican- Americans, the study projects. All black women could be overweight by 2034, according to the researchers, as could more than 90 percent of Mexican-American men.

Well, let’s get this disturbing business over with right now. I’ve decided that the BMI for both men and women should be a healthy “5”. There. Now, everyone is fat. In fact, everyone is morbidly obese.

Please. Sometimes I think the pointy heads are too smart by half. There will be preternaturally skinny people. They exist. We all hate them. These are the people who can eat a whole fattened water buffalo with grease on the side and not gain an ounce. I’m guessing that in 40 years, these freaks will still exist and be loathed even more then. Or maybe, they’ll be so rare, that we decide as a culture to worship them–put them in special castles and prostrate our fat bodies before them in awed supplication.

There’s another thing. People are living freaking forever now. Fat, globular, rotund people are living to a ripe old age and driving around on their scooters to the Mall. I see them. So, for all the disgusting fatness, is it a big problem? It’s kinda like Global Warming (or Climate Change). It’s getting hotter, but who says it’s a bad thing? Who knows?

And why should the government give a fat grandma’s ass if the citizenry prefers to look like corpulent amoebas rolling from one place to another in their XXXXXXL clothes? Do they propose a fat tax? Do officials deem the waste produced and the food consumed by fat people to be problematic? I can see environmental implications here and a vast array of ways for the government to manage American’s lives. If these crises keep getting manufactured, the government will get to control everything, including the food you eat, from cradle to grave.

For thousands of years, people have been skinny because they were starving. Now, scientists are bitching because people are fat. There are worse problems than fatness.

Cross-posted at MelissaClouthier.com

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