Iraqi General Gets ‘Queer Eye’ Makeover By Andy Borowitz

04 May, 2004 by John Hawkins

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The U.S. military command in Iraq has ordered former Iraqi Maj. Gen. Jasim Mohammed Saleh to undergo what it called a “Queer Eye” makeover to make the former Saddam Hussein loyalist look less like Saddam Hussein, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff confirmed today.

In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, General Richard Myers said that the U.S. had been ready to transfer authority over the city of Fallujah to General Saleh “until someone at headquarters pointed out that he looked creepily like Saddam.”

In explaining the Joint Chiefs’ misgivings about General Saleh, General Myers said, “We felt that giving military authority to a gentleman who could basically take Saddam’s date to the prom without her suspecting anything was, under the circumstances, ill advised.”

After an intense round of discussions at the Pentagon, the U.S. decided to order a so-called “Queer Eye” makeover for the former evildoer, dropping style guru Carson Kressley into Fallujah by parachute.

In a conversation with reporters today, Mr. Kressley said he had urged General Saleh to shave his Hussein-like moustache and ditch his Republican Guard uniform in favor of a tailored suit by the German designer Jill Sander.

“I took one look at that Republican Guard uniform, and said, ‘WMD – Wrong Men’s Designer,’” Mr. Kressley quipped.

Mr. Kressley said that although General Saleh was resistant at first to his “Queer Eye” makeover, by the end of the process the fascist and the fashionista had “totally bonded.”

“I have no idea what a Baath Party is, but I like the sound of it,” Mr. Kressley said.

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